The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Sunday, October 16, 2005

The Flying Buttress, 1/6/05

The Flying Buttress

+For Greater Cincinnati Catholics, a dissenter's worst nightmare+

January 6, 2005 A.D. A Byzantine Epiphany (with apologies to Rome)

+In response to our frivolous and irreverent first issue, The Flying Buttress received only three indignant requests to unsubscribe – two of which were from newly registered Democrat voters residing at Gate of Heaven Cemetery. For our New Year’s Resolution, we pledge to work much harder to offend liberals, progressives, "mainstreamers," and those who consider themselves among the enlightened elite (esp. Jesuit “moral theologians”).

+Speaking of frivolous and irreverent, news of quasi-illicit liturgical dance during Mass at Cincinnati's Holy Name Parish (approved by Archbishop Pilarczyk, celebrant) has traveled rapidly across the country. Our Roving Midwest Reporter and first-year Cardinal Muench seminarian, Ignatius "Soupy" de Sales, filed this report from Joplin, MO:

"Hoping to gauge reaction to this groundbreaking event among local laity, I stood outside Our Lady of Perpetual Tampering with the Liturgy to interview parishioners emerging from Mass. Here is what some of them had to say:

'I think it would catch on more if they used music with a beat. Wouldn't it be cool if, like, they danced to "Let's Go to the Hop"?'

'Gee, this might save some time distributing Communion! Why not have the dancers dip their sleeves in the chalice and sprinkle the Blood of Christ around the congregation while they dance?'

'I wish that ballerina had been doing her thing during Confession last week. Then maybe the priest would have paid more attention to her than to my sins.'

'Hey, I hear that Archbishop Pilarczyk is quite the Danseur Noble with the Grand Battement. How awesome would it be if we Catholics finally had our own Bishop Tutu?’”

(And those right-wing vigilantes say the post-Conciliar laity is dumbed down! What nerve!)

+Undaunted by such crass comments and in search of a more diverse polling sample, Soupy moved on to a parish across town, St. Inclusive, to interview parish priest Father Vic Ayre. However, Fr. Vic temporarily withheld comment on liturgical dance, preferring to address the December 20th issue of The Buttress:

I must protest! It seems overly harsh to refer to our siblings in the Faith who are in dissent as "Pekingese of Political Correctness." After all, they are only seeking a Church without authoritarianism, ultramontane decrees, and sexist bylaws. (Of course they also want a Church devoid of dogmatic teachings founded on the Gospels which impede their ability to justify doing as they blessed well please.) Christianity, as we all know, should be cleansed of such distasteful notions as temptation, sin, damnation, faith, doctrine, obedience, authority, hell, heaven and salvation. Our politically correct siblings in the Faith only seek to water the ancient garden of Roman Catholic Christianity with the urine of modern-American, pop culture. And wouldn't that be a splendid addition to the Faith of the Apostles? --- Well, wouldn't it?”

+Soupy’s pen ran out of ink while trying to write all this down, but, after consulting a dictionary several times, he was able to phone it in just before The Buttress went to press. We thank Father Vic for his incisive thoughts, and Soupy for his hard work in the heartland. Not bad for a first-year Muench-kin!

"Dobermans of Dogma" on Liturgical Dance

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Disclaimer: This publication is a work of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." To unsubscribe, simply reply with the words "No thanks - I prefer to keep my head in the sand until the ‘Spirit of Vatican II’ has completely destroyed the Church" somewhere in the body of the message.


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