The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Friday, September 29, 2006

The Anglican Archdiocese of Minneapolis

+Our readers may be familiar with the controversy in Minneapolis surrounding the exiled Fr. Robert Altier (not pictured at left). Father has been smacked upside the head with a two-by-four for defending orthodoxy in the face of the sleazy, narcissistic and degenerate moral and theological vacuum promoted by the “progressive” leadership of his archdiocese (a vacuum which masquerades as “compassion,” “tolerance,” “diversity,” and “inclusion” – the full toolbox of Satanic “enlightenment”).

+You may also have heard of St. Joan of Arc parish in this same archdiocese, the bustling hub of this “whatever-works-for-you” moral vacuum. Though the faithful Fr. Altier has been kicked to the curb, the unfaithful, vulgar and cynical Fr. DeBruycker continues, unchecked, his dissident rampage across the face of the Church, promoting homosexualists, New Agers, female “ordination,” and other heretical agendas.

+If you smell the double standard of the Lavender Mafia at work, you don’t know the half of it! The Flying Buttress has discovered that Archbishop Harry Flynn, in order to institutionalize the NewChurch he sponsors, has quietly re-named his cathedral. Yes, the Cathedral of St. Paul is now known as the “Community of King St. Henry VIII.”

+To commemorate this alteration, a special private liturgy was celebrated (invitation by Rainbow Sash only) and two fellow lavender luminaries were imported to con-desecrate. Episcopal Bishop Gene Robinson distributed the Eucharist, and Cincinnati Archbishop Daniel Pilarczyk delivered the homily. Thanks to the diligence of our Minnesota correspondent Knute de Torquemada, prosperous dairy farmer and shorthand clerk extraordinaire (though no relation to our publisher), we can pass Pilarczyk’s remarks along to you:

“My Dear Sisters and Brothers, and Everyone In-Between,

It is with great joy that we ascend to one of the summits of the reformed and renewed Church in America this night. Here we can be assured of a safe haven from the liturgical winter of Rome, from the oppressive and exclusionist dogma of the Magisterium, and from the homophobic posture of so many of our colleagues.

How ironic that here in Minnesota, one of the coldest regions of the country, we find such a springtime of warmth and compassion for our just cause! In this oasis flows a fountain of affirmation of the basic human rights of our GLBT comrades. In this font of mercy, we find a gratifying awareness of alternative lifestyles. In this balm of Gilead, we find a unitive sexuality expressed in a manner consonant with Our Lord’s teachings. In this embodiment of Christian charity, we find life-giving and love-affirming acceptance!

Acceptance! Such an overture of love to the ears of human suffering! But where is OldChurch in response to our suffering?

OldChurch taught us about the dignity of life, didn’t it? But was it a valid dignity? Was it inclusive? (here the audience shouted, “NO!”)

OldChurch taught us about love, didn’t it? But was it a valid love? Was it tolerant? (another resounding “NO!”)

OldChurch taught us about charity, didn’t it? But was it a valid charity? Was it diverse? (“NEVER!”)

Well my friends, NewChurch has corrected all these grievous and hateful errors! We and we alone have purified the Church, we have set it on a new course, and we have opened its windows to the spirit of the age, just as Vatican II directed! (applause)

I say to you, dear friends, that God is on our side! Why? Because unifying love is on our side! Does it matter how we translate our Bibles? No! Does it matter how we celebrate our liturgies? No! Does it matter what kind of music we sing? No! All is good and holy in God’s eyes, and we are the ones who proclaim it! We are the disciples of love! NewChurch is One! (wild applause)

Now, lets calm down a little as we prepare to partake of the meal. You know, we should never boast that communion in the hand is worth two on the tongue! Why? Because this is a meal which, short of our unifying sexuality, is the most important event in our faith journey. What does this meal signify? We all know, don’t we, what OldChurch taught us about that – but what does NewChurch teach? It teaches that by receiving Our Lord’s pita bread and grape juice, we are transformed sexually, liberated into the dizzying heights of a salvific freedom that only love can bring!

But before we share, let us also remember the new guardian angel of this cathedral community, King St. Henry the VIII. Why did your archbishop choose him? Because he is our role model: the man who broke away from Rome for love! What higher example can we find than Henry VIII? (here some members of the assembly were heard to softly sing “What I Did For Love”)

And now, my dear friends, as we begin our meal, let us embrace NewChurch, let us embrace FutureChurch, and most importantly, let us embrace SexChurch! Let us pray…”

Miscellanea CATHOLICA

+Sign a petition in support of Father Altier at the Concerned Roman Catholics of America website.


Post a Comment

<< Home