The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Saturday, January 28, 2006

The Flying Buttress,, January 29, 2006

The APA’s Gesture of Good Will
+WASHINGTON (AP) -- The American Psychological Association (APA), in partnership with the North American Man-Boy Love Association (NAMBLA), the Human Rights Campaign (HRC), the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN), Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) and the Left-Wing Brain Trust of the Cincinnati Archdiocese (LAVENDERMAFIA), recently announced a new initiative designed to address what it termed the growing “sexual divide” between orthodox Catholics, portrayed as “sexually oppressed,” and the rest of the country, which it described as the “liberated majority.”
+New APA President Elizabeth Sanger Hickey, PhD, in an inaugural address entitled “Leave No Catholic Behind,” said that bridging the sexual divide is a “top priority” for her administration. “We’ve absolutely got to reach out to those Catholics who have been culturally isolated by their religion’s backward and embarrassing stance on sexuality,” said Hickey. “There’s no sense gloating over our victory in the culture war – it’s time to demonstrate our good will.” +The APA’s policy proposals include the following:
Non-confrontational and non-judgmental terminology. Catholic condemnation of homosexual practices will no longer be referred to as “homophobia.” The newly accepted term is “outmoded morality disorder,” an affliction which may be treated by any APA professional authorized to prescribe medication. In addition, public statements by Catholics disapproving of homosexuality will no longer be prosecuted as “hate crimes.” Those who give offense to gays will merely be asked to wear a pink letter “H” for a period to be determined by the proper authorities.
In response to this benevolent initiative, the Church is strongly urged to replace the term “heterodox” with the more modern “homodox,” or even better, “pandox.”
Redefinition of marriage. Marriage must be defined as broadly as possible, in order to be inclusive and truly global in scope. Therefore, the newly accepted definition is “a sincere sharing of bodily fluids which creates a sense of partnership between and among sentient beings.” Catholics should have no trouble acknowledging that the partnership preference they advocate, limiting though it may be, fits neatly within this scheme.
In exchange for this generous offer, the Church is asked to stop identifying herself as the “Bride of Christ.” Henceforth, the Church will be known as the “Partner of Christ.”
Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. These two holidays must be renamed, in order to be truly family-oriented. Since these names exclude families with two lesbian mothers or two gay fathers, (or, in the case of Mowgli, two or more wolves), the APA has determined that the newly accepted name for one of these holidays shall be “Parent’s Day.” Further, in order to avoid discrimination and offense against children, the other of the above named holidays shall be called “Children’s Day.” Catholics may continue to celebrate the old holidays privately, for a limited time, as long as the separation of church and state is not threatened. However, to balance this archaic custom, the Church is asked to rename its “holy days of obligation” to a less polarizing “noteworthy days of volition.”
Mainstreaming of pedophilia. Pedophilia and its related behaviors (hebephilia, ephebophilia, phebophilia and teleiophilia) are hereby removed from the APA listing of psychosexual disorders. Since 81% of the priestly sexual abuse cases in the John Jay report are examples of homosexual hebephilia and ephebophilia,1 this policy change, by our calculations, will save the Church many millions of dollars, because intimate relationships with minors will no longer be a crime. We must eliminate the source of an inconsistent policy which, on the one hand, promotes the benefits of adult-minor intimacy, but on the other, punishes priests for initiating such relationships.
To reciprocate for this charitable act, the Church should be prepared to re-word absolutist, objectivist dogma. For example, an acceptable replacement for the term “sin” might be “intriguing sensory experience,” as in “The Seven Deadly Intriguing Sensory Experiences.” Or, the Church might rename the Ten Commandments the “Ten Recommendations.”
In a last-minute deal negotiated by unnamed intermediaries, the ACLU (not a signatory to this agreement) has pledged to admit at least one heterosexual to its Board of Directors2, if the Catholic Church agrees to reverse its stance on admitting gays to the priesthood.
+In an immediate follow-up to Dr. Hickey’s groundbreaking speech, the Cincinnati Archdiocese Communications Office, together with its Office of Youth and Young Adult Ministry3, issued the following joint statement in support of the APA initiative: “The sexual identity and health of the People of God are of primary concern to us, particularly as Church teachings render them increasingly vulnerable to and at-risk for cultural marginalization. Therefore, to promote a truly safe environment for all Catholics in this Archdiocese, we announce today a new yard sign, poster and billboard campaign in support of the APA initiative. The slogan for this campaign will be ‘Catholics - our bedroom door is open.’”
NOTES: 1. That is, an adult male sexual attraction to pubertal and post-pubertal male youth. 2. But not more than two. 3. Sponsor of the CRYSM and SCHISM programs.


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