The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

The Long Arm of Charles Darwin (Part II)

+When last we appeared in your Inbox, Cardinals McCarrick and Mahony, and Archbishop Pilarczyk, had concluded their secret discussion about the Seven Principles of Intelligent Dissent, the first part of their novel approach to gain the decisive upper hand in the battle to reform the Church.

+We now continue our transcript of their covert meeting, in which McCarrick presents the other seven principles of his proposal:

“TM: Well, gentlemen, is there no further reflection on our Theory of Intelligent Dissent?

DP: Your Grace, we would never question you on a matter of such profound importance!"

RM: Well said, Daniel. Unquestioning obedience to our cause is essential!

TM: Then here they are, gentlemen: the Seven Principles of our Theory of Revelation:

TR, PRINCIPLE I: Divine Revelation, so-called, is merely the result of random poetic mutations, subjective interior philosophical investigations, and visionary denunciations on the part of certain marginalized figures in history.

TR, PRINCIPLE II: These random mutations, investigations and denunciations originated in the archetypal miasma which characterized the dawn of the immanent development of peoples.

TR, PRINCIPLE III: The immanent development of the Jewish people, among whom were Jesus’ disciples, created a certain psychic and cultural environment, evolved over millennia, which caused them to respond to Jesus’ teachings in a preconditioned manner.

TR, PRINCIPLE IV: After Jesus’ death, the disciples’ cultural conditioning, combined with their intense grief over the loss of their friend and teacher, resulted in the proliferation of tales which acquired mythic proportions.

TR, PRINCIPLE V: These mythic tales became subject to natural selection through the oral tradition, a process which, as a result of constant random oral mutation, resulted in the spontaneous generation of new and complex species of legends.

TR, PRINCIPLE VI: These new legend species were eventually codified into the Canon of the New Testament.

TR, PRINCIPLE VII: This evolutionary, transformative process of earthly events become sacred is repeated throughout human history, resulting in the creation of many religions, each with their own scriptural “evidence” for primacy and infallibility.

TM: There you have it, chaps! Now what say we take a little break for refreshment and recreation? (there follows a mysterious 18.5 minute gap in the tape…) OK guys – back to work! Now where were we? Oh yes – your comments?

RM: Gee, I don’t know, Teddy – it sounds a little dry, vague and obtuse!

DP: Ah, but that’s the beauty of it, Rog! Remember what we accomplished at Vatican II with such language?

TM: A point well-taken, Danny!

RM: You know, stylistic drawbacks notwithstanding, I think I could design an entire Religious Education Conference around these principles! From there, we could announce the formation of “The Revelation Seminar,” and appoint Distinguished Fellows to contribute….the possibilities just boggle the mind!

DP: What I like most about this approach, gentlemen, is that it puts us in an enviable position in this struggle. I think we’ve finally found the surest path to a sin-sin wituation! (This was the final recorded comment on the tape.)

Miscellanea CATHOLICA

+ The Flying Buttress has learned that opera buffs around the globe have formed a new society to preserve and promote the traditional Mass. This society, headquartered in Seville, Spain, has taken the name “Una voce poco fa.”


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