The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Sunday, October 16, 2005

The Flying Buttress, 2/3/05

The Flying Buttress

+Dissecting dissent in the Cincinnati Archdiocese+

February 3, 2005 A.D. The Guns of Maricon (rhymes with Navarone)

+The public outcry over the priestly sex abuse scandals has forced the Left-Wing Brain Trust of the Cincinnati Archdiocese to put some serious distance between themselves and their openly pro-gay agenda.

+Only Jesuit Father Ken Overberg has been left behind to twist slowly in the wind, bravely taking the heat for preferring pagan phallus-worship to Judeo-Christian civilization. We extend our condolences to Fr. Overberg on his solo mission, and recommend that he read a biography of John Dean to bolster his spirits. We understand all too well, Father, how lonely life can be at the bottom.

+The Flying Buttress warns its readers, however, that appearances can be deceiving. In fact, when it comes to dissenters, deceiving the Church is their first and foremost objective!

+As proof that the gay pot is still simmering on the back burner, we offer this transcript of a high-level conversation overheard at the office water cooler by our agent provocateur at 100 E. 8th St., Savonarola Payola (whose distasteful services are becoming much more expensive than his original estimate):

TUTU I: Good morning, Carl. Have you compiled the results of that survey yet?

TUTU II: Which survey, Dan?

TUTU I: The one we did of gay students at St. X, to find out why they became gay.

TUTU II: Oh, THAT one! Silly me! Yes, I have the results right here…let’s see…90% of gay students reported that they were initiated into the lifestyle by the time they were 14, by gay priests or gay Catholic educators; 8% reported that they were encouraged to experiment with their sexuality by our gay and lesbian curricula; 2% reported that they were born that way because their parents were moral theologians.

I: Carl, it is of the utmost importance that we absolutely never use terms like “gay priests” and “initiated.” Whenever the public or the criminal justice system is involved, be sure you say “pedophile priests” and “molested.” That way we can cover our tracks effectively while continuing to make progress behind the scenes.

II: Sorry, Dan, I lost my head…you should pardon the expression.

I: Well, the bottom line is that our secret program to cultivate and recruit more gays is a resounding success!

II: It’s to die for! Now how do we follow up on this data?

I: I have an idea. Let’s start a support group for those oppressed gay and lesbian students who are forced to abandon the glorious liberation of their sexual appetites, because they must live by the teachings of the Church. I think we should call it “Indignity.” What do you think?

II: Why that’s simply fabulous!

I: Oh no! Here comes Father Ed – quick, change the subject!

II: Why?

I: He doesn’t know about all this – I appointed him to run the Seminary just to convince Rome that we’re back on the straight and narrow. Get it? “Straight” and…

FR. ED: Good morning, gentlemen! Your Excellency, can I talk to you privately for a moment?

I: Of course, Father. Carl, meet me at DeVou Park this evening, and we’ll work out the details.

II: Tootles!

They don't make Jesuits like this one anymore...

Report dissenters confidentially to:

M a y t h e L o r d B l e s s Y o u a n d K e e p Y o u

Disclaimer: This publication is a work of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." To unsubscribe, simply reply with the words "No thanks - I prefer to keep my head in the sand until the ‘Spirit of Vatican II’ has completely destroyed the Church" somewhere in the body of the message.


Post a Comment

<< Home