The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Sunday, February 10, 2008

A Capital Idea

+While The Flying Buttress has been boring our readers to tears with neo-apocalyptic tedium about the end of progress and convoluted rebuttals of an obscure 20-year old remark about a “countersyllabus,” the RHCCIA (Roamin’ Homosexual Catholic Chuch in America) has been steadily expanding its foothold in the American Catholic community.

+It seems that the five Extraordinary Presiders of the RHCCIA, having been evicted from the cathedrals where they formerly sat as Roman Catholic bishops, have quietly settled on a new home for their schismatic federation.

+The parish they have selected, after due consideration, is Most Holy Redeemer Church in San Francisco. Unfortunately, already faced with vociferous resistance from many Holy Redeemer parishioners, the leadership of the federation has been forced to agree to make their residency only temporary, until a new RHCCIA Cathedral can be built.

+Toward that ambitious end, a capital campaign targeting wealthy and influential members of the gay community is being planned to raise funds for this new cathedral. While a catchy campaign slogan has been announced to the public (“Let Us Build a Temple of Justice”), our Alternative Lifestyles Correspondent John Elton has learned that among the federation’s private circle, the campaign carries a slogan that’s much less imposing but more to the point:

“Pray, Pay and Be Gay”

+According to Elton’s confidential sources, the centerpiece event of the “Pray, Pay and Be Gay” campaign will be a lavish golf “outing” held at a prestigious San Francisco country club. While we recognize that the details of this posh gala may be discomfiting to our readers, we must insist on holding your noses to the grindstone of reality:

~Sponsorship Levels~

$250,000 and above. The Cole Porter “Begin the Beguine” Title Sponsorship. The first sponsor at this level will win naming rights to the new cathedral, and all Title Sponsors will have a stained glass window named after them in said cathedral.

$150,000 - $249,999. The Barney Frank “Statesman” Supporting Sponsorship. Sponsors at this level will win a seat in Congress, paid for by the Ford Foundation, George Soros, and the Human Rights Campaign. Your congressional office will be staffed by aides and pages carefully screened by HRC, PFLAG, NAMBLA, GSLEN and DIGNITY/USA.

$75,000 - $149,999. The Oscar Wilde “Bon Vivant” Hole Sponsorship. These sponsors will win lucrative ten-year contracts to write feature articles for the National Catholic Reporter.

$50,000 - $74,999. The Bette Midler “Continental” Contest Sponsorship. Sponsors at this level win a lifetime membership to a gay bathhouse of the sponsor’s choice.

$25,000 - $49,000. The SpongeBob SquarePants “Bump and Run” Table Sponsorship. Sponsors at the post-golf tradeshow may choose between a voiceover role in the famous cartoon or an engagement as the keynote speaker at the next annual dinner of Americans United for Separation of Church and State.

Below $25,000. Interested parties should consult with sponsors of heterosexual golf events.


The Robert Nugent Longest Drive, in which distance is measured not so much in yards, but by the sincerity and vigor of one’s swing.

The Gumbleton/Weakland Skins Game, in which prize money is paid to the other contestants to keep them quiet about intrinsically disordered scores.

The Richard McBrien Closest to Pin Par 3, in which the caddy’s advice about which club to use is ignored, the pin location may be moved in mid-contest, and the golf balls may be other than USGA-approved.

The Matthew Fox Putting Contest, in which each contestant prophecies exactly where his ball will stop rolling.

The Richard Rohr Blind Partner, in which foursome members may analyze each others’ golf swings, but all encounters are required to remain anonymous.

NOTE: For more information about sponsorships and contests, please contact the chanceries of the Archdioceses of Los Angeles, San Francisco, Minneapolis, Washington D.C. and Cincinnati.


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