The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Sunday, September 30, 2007


+ An exciting new public relations campaign, complete with wristbands, headbands, key chains, necklaces, t-shirts, coffee mugs, bobbleheads - even scapulars - is sweeping across the Archdiocese of Cincinnati!

+ It’s a campaign generated by the Archdiocesan Office of Communications and The (Occasionally) Catholic Telegraph to celebrate the long and distinguished ecclesiastical career of Archbishop Daniel E. Pilarczyk as it draws to a close in August of 2009. Featured are highlights of his integrity and wise stewardship, the milestones of a track record which has brought such a wealth of vocations (and so many fruits) to our Archdiocese. Though this campaign is officially called “A Celebration of Archbishop Pilarczyk,” it has become known in certain underground circles by another name, based on the popular “What Would Jesus Do?” movement.

+Here at The Flying Buttress we have developed our own collection of Pilarczyk career highlights, culled from various scenarios which have occurred during his tenure. We’re hoping these highlights, gathered from the tireless research of WCPO-TV's I-Team, will add a significant dimension to our readers’ appreciation of this distinguished servant of the Church...

Scenario 1

Victims of sexual abuse in Cincinnati call for the publication of the full history of abuse in the Archdiocese to help the healing process, as was done in the Covington Diocese.

What Would Pilarczyk Do (WWPD)?

Why, he’d not only waffle about finishing such a report, he’d even waffle about making it public! After all, who needs a sincere apology?

Scenario 2

Victims of sexual abuse in Cincinnati want to know why the police weren’t called in specific cases, and why abusing priests weren’t fired.


Why, he’d claim he didn’t know he had to call the police, and that he couldn’t fire priests! He'd even say he never lied to anybody about it!

Scenario 3

The WCPO I-Team interviews the Archbishop twice in 2003 to establish some background on sexual abuse cases.


Why, he’d claim through a paid lobbyist that the interviews never took place!

Scenario 4

A victim of a gay priest files a civil lawsuit against the Archdiocese.


Why, he’d have the Tribunal dismiss the young man’s allegations and attempt to discredit him!

Scenario 5

One of Cincinnati’s gay priests, addicted to crack cocaine and male prostitutes, is potentially a big headache. But there’s an even bigger problem: this priest is heir to a family fortune worth tens of millions of dollars, which he has bequeathed to the Archdiocese.


Why, he'd pretend the problem was diabetes, place the priest on medical leave, and ensure this priest’s inheritance could still be bequeathed to the Archdiocese!

Scenario 6

The pastor of Cincinnati’s largest parish, a close personal friend (sic) of the Archbishop, is caught misusing parish funds.


Why, he’d refuse to comment on the case, merely allowing the priest to take early retirement, and stall on releasing the audit!

Scenario 7

One of Cincinnati’s brave priests sends a letter to the Archbishop, warning him about the ongoing homosexual sex abuse activities of a fellow priest.


You guessed it - nothing!

Scenario 8: The Mother of all Scenarios

The person hired by the Archdiocese to perform criminal background checks for all Church and school volunteers turns out to be a criminal himself, with a long rap sheet and a history of a homosexual relationship with the Archdiocesan Personnel Director.


Why, he'd write a letter to the parish that complained about this, claiming that “…we need to be able to give people a chance to do right after they've done wrong"!

Miscellanea CATHOLICA

+The Flying Buttress renews our dedication to St. Michael on this his feast day, and we wish a blessed Michaelmas to all our readers! Here are The Prayers to St. Michael (short version, long version and Exorcism); and the Act of Consecration to St. Michael.


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