The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Sunday, October 16, 2005

The Flying Buttress, 2/10/05

The Flying Buttress

+Dissecting dissent in the Cincinnati Archdiocese+

February 10, 2005 A.D. Lenten Resolutions

+At this purifying time of year, no doubt the burning question uppermost on everyone’s mind is this: what does an Archbishop give up for Lent?

+The Flying Buttress’ staff of professional zealots, who have entirely too much time on their hands, have certainly given that question a lot of thought. We have compiled the following list of Lenten Resolutions for Archbishops, which we thought would be both an enlightening and stirring example for our Catholic countrymen:

  1. I will remain faithful to the Holy Father, the Magisterium, and the teachings of the Church. I will give up cultivating dissent behind the scenes.
  2. I will cultivate and promote orthodoxy, Catholic culture, reverence for tradition, and devotion. I will give up political correctness and all worldly tendencies in my thinking.
  3. I will ensure that my Archdiocesan newspaper reflects Nos. 1 and 2 at all times. I will give up reserving column space for dissenters.
  4. I will rigorously enforce the Mandatum among my theologians. I will confront heterodoxy and heresy. I will give up cultivating them behind the scenes.
  5. I will screen candidates for the priesthood thoroughly, and root out and eliminate any trace of a homosexual subculture in my Seminary. I will give up taking the easy way out.
  6. I will support my priests in their struggles with parish councils. I will give up disciplining priests who fight to establish orthodoxy in their parishes.
  7. I will ban Voice of the Faithful and similar groups from my parishes. I will give up allowing them to spread their harmful secularist ideas.
  8. I will renovate my churches according to Catholic architectural tradition. I will give up the urge to transform a church into a university lecture hall.
  9. I will freely permit and even encourage the Indult Mass. I will give up labeling this Rite as silly outdated nostalgia, and give up treating those who yearn for it as lepers.
  10. I will take a leadership role in protesting invasions of decadence and smut like “The Vagina Monologues.” I will give up passivity and failure to defend the Faith.
  11. I will deny Communion to Catholic-in-name-only politicians like John Kerry and Ted Kennedy, whose policy positions violate the teachings of the Church. I will give up avoiding rocking the boat.
  12. I will emphasize the gravity of the mortal sin of abortion. I will give up trying to relativize the horror of this crime by using the fraudulent doctrine of moral equivalence.
  13. I will catechize my sheep on the true meaning of the documents of Vatican II. I will give up using “the spirit of Vatican II” as justification for dismantling the Church.

+Editor’s note: This list applies to dioceses like Denver, Omaha, or New York City. For the Cincinnati version, just insert the following text after each appearance of the word “will”:


Report dissenters confidentially to:

M a y t h e L o r d B l e s s Y o u a n d K e e p Y o u

Disclaimer: This publication is a work of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." To unsubscribe, simply reply with the words "No thanks - I prefer to keep my head in the sand until the ‘Spirit of Vatican II’ has completely destroyed the Church" somewhere in the body of the message.


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