The Flying Buttress, 2/10/05

The Flying Buttress

+Dissecting dissent in the Cincinnati Archdiocese+

February 10, 2005 A.D. Lenten Resolutions

+At this purifying time of year, no doubt the burning question uppermost on everyone’s mind is this: what does an Archbishop give up for Lent?

+The Flying Buttress’ staff of professional zealots, who have entirely too much time on their hands, have certainly given that question a lot of thought. We have compiled the following list of Lenten Resolutions for Archbishops, which we thought would be both an enlightening and stirring example for our Catholic countrymen:

1. I will remain faithful to the Holy Father, the Magisterium, and the teachings of the Church. I will give up cultivating dissent behind the scenes.
2. I will cultivate and promote orthodoxy, Catholic culture, reverence for tradition, and devotion. I will give up political correctness and all worldly tendencies in my thinking.
3. I will ensure that my Archdiocesan newspaper reflects Nos. 1 and 2 at all times. I will give up reserving column space for dissenters.
4. I will rigorously enforce the Mandatum among my theologians. I will confront heterodoxy and heresy. I will give up cultivating them behind the scenes.
5. I will screen candidates for the priesthood thoroughly, and root out and eliminate any trace of a homosexual subculture in my Seminary. I will give up taking the easy way out.
6. I will support my priests in their struggles with parish councils. I will give up disciplining priests who fight to establish orthodoxy in their parishes.
7. I will ban Voice of the Faithful and similar groups from my parishes. I will give up allowing them to spread their harmful secularist ideas.
8. I will renovate my churches according to Catholic architectural tradition. I will give up the urge to transform a church into a university lecture hall.
9. I will freely permit and even encourage the Indult Mass. I will give up labeling this Rite as silly outdated nostalgia, and give up treating those who yearn for it as lepers.
10. I will take a leadership role in protesting invasions of decadence and smut like “The Vagina Monologues.” I will give up passivity and failure to defend the Faith.
11. I will deny Communion to Catholic-in-name-only politicians like John Kerry and Ted Kennedy, whose policy positions violate the teachings of the Church. I will give up avoiding rocking the boat.
12. I will emphasize the gravity of the mortal sin of abortion. I will give up trying to relativize the horror of this crime by using the fraudulent doctrine of moral equivalence.
13. I will catechize my sheep on the true meaning of the documents of Vatican II. I will give up using “the spirit of Vatican II” as justification for dismantling the Church.

+Editor’s note: This list applies to dioceses like Denver, Omaha, or New York City. For the Cincinnati version, just insert the following text after each appearance of the word “will”:

“NOT!!!”

Report dissenters confidentially to: tomasthetorque@pngusa.net

M a y t h e L o r d B l e s s Y o u a n d K e e p Y o u

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