The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Saturday, December 03, 2005

The Flying Buttress, 10/9/05


+In order to provide a helpful resource to catechumens enrolled in RCIA, as well as to better serve the needs of those inquiring into the Faith, the Cincinnati Archdiocese has drawn up an annotated list of standardized responses to questions frequently asked about the Church. While the author of this document is uncertain, our readers will soon discern that these responses are wholly compatible with the Archbishop’s left-wing worldview:

Q: My boyfriend and I are in love and are thinking about moving in together. What does the Church teach about cohabitation?

A: While the Church as a whole teaches that marriage is the preferred form of living arrangement, here in Cincinnati we believe that love, regardless of sexual orientation and unencumbered by excessive rituals and obligations, is the most important ingredient of a sincere, faithful and committed relationship. Besides – if you’ve got the milk, why buy the cow?

Q: We have two boys ages 13 and 15. What has the Church done to insure they will not be molested by homosexual priests?

A: The Cincinnati Archdiocese has taken rigorous steps to maintain the integrity of the priesthood. First, we require that all adults who have contact with children, except for priests, undergo background checks and fingerprinting. Second, we have established the Homosexual Priestly Protection Program (HOMOPROP), 1 wherein those priests who have made inopportune advances to minors are given new identities and concealed in the basement of the Cathedral. For further details, please contact the Archdiocesan Director of Communications, who may or may not have been fingerprinted.

Q: Why does the Church discriminate against homosexuals and women?

A: Whoa! Hold on there! One issue at a time, please!

Q: OK, why does the Church discriminate against homosexuals?

A: This is an unfounded and unfortunate myth. Here in Cincinnati, we not only give homosexuals unlimited access to one another at the Seminary2, we provide them with access to teenaged minors in our parishes and schools, at their discretion. Furthermore, homosexuals, including bishops, are routinely promoted to positions of national importance and influence within the USCCB.

Q: What about women?

A: What about them?

Q: Why can’t they be priests?

A: It is truly a shame, isn’t it, that the Church can’t conduct itself like any other business or political body. Well, here in the Cincinnati Archdiocese, we have done something about gender equity, which we define as the residual value of women exclusive of any relationship with men. We have established a new seminary for female altar servers, Mt. St. Joan of Arc of the West, to prepare these women for ordination when the time is ripe.

Q: When will the time be ripe?

A: We expect to have a female Pope shortly after Hillary Clinton’s second term as President.

Q: Why is there a priest shortage in Cincinnati?

A: The Church’s inexplicably rigid adherence to its outmoded tradition of celibacy, along with its stubborn refusal to ordain women, has certainly taken its toll in our Archdiocese. However, we continue to develop plans to eliminate the distinction between priests and laity, using the “Universal Priesthood of Believers" as our model, in order to overcome this shortage. Very soon we hope to have deacons, pastoral associates, Protestants and Muslims available in large numbers to administer the seven sacraments to the faithful. We also plan to change the name “sacrament" to “profanement."

Q: I believe I’m the reincarnation of a number of famous people, which I’ve discovered by consulting several psychics and mediums. What does the Church teach about new age doctrines?

A: Here in Cincinnati, we recognize that we are indeed in the midst of a New Age, and have been since the Second Vatican Council, which re-invented the Church and successfully adapted it to the historical dialectic. As part and parcel of Cincinnati’s broad ecumenical outreach, we make every effort to reconcile the Church with Freemasonry, Wicca, Rosicrucianism, Kabbalah, and any other salvific form of occultism and pre-Christian worship experience. For further information, contact the Cincinnati Baal office (just down the hall) or John Edward at

Q: I’ve been on the pill since I was 16. I’ve had four abortions and three divorces. Can I still become Catholic?

A: The Cincinnati Archdiocese certainly celebrates the determination with which you’ve maintained your reproductive health and exercised your independence from oppressive male domination. The Catholic Church welcomes all people regardless of their past, but FYI, we use the term “fetal annulment" instead of “abortion."

NOTES: 1. Of course, “homosexual" is used strictly internally. For the general public, we prefer the smokescreen “pedophile."

2. A handwritten note appears at this point in the original document, in what appears to be His Excellency’s hand: “Check with Fr. Ed to make sure this policy is still in place."

AND NOW, A FR. MICK MOMENT (Thanks to blogger Oswald Sobrino of Catholic Analysis, and Dagwood in Steubenville, OH)

+It seems our old friend Fr. Mick, Lawrence (or was that Lawrence, Mick?), Cincinnati’s thoughtful itinerant liturgist, has come back to pipe us another heterodox tune, this time while conducting a liturgy conference in the Diocese of Saginaw, MI. Our readers will not be shocked to discover that his presentation contained a few anomalies. For example:

MICK: "Oddly enough, most Catholics don't seem to know that Christ did not create the Eucharist to turn bread and wine into the body and blood of Christ. The purpose of Eucharist is the unity of the church."

CATECHISM: "At the Last Supper, on the night he was betrayed, our Savior instituted the Eucharistic sacrifice of his Body and Blood. This he did in order to perpetuate the sacrifice of the cross throughout the ages until he should come again, and so to entrust to his beloved Spouse, the Church, a memorial of his death and resurrection…" (§1323)

CATECHISM: “At the heart of the Eucharistic celebration are the bread and wine that, by the words of Christ and the invocation of the Holy Spirit, become Christ's Body and Blood. Faithful to the Lord's command the Church continues to do, in his memory and until his glorious return, what he did on the eve of his Passion: ‘He took bread. . . .’ ‘He took the cup filled with wine. . . .’ The signs of bread and wine become, in a way surpassing understanding, the Body and Blood of Christ; they continue also to signify the goodness of creation…" (§1333)

MICK: “Jesus is not saying 'adore me.' He is saying 'take and eat.'"

CATECHISM: “Adoration is the first act of the virtue of religion. To adore God is to acknowledge him as God, as the Creator and Savior, the Lord and Master of everything that exists, as infinite and merciful Love. "You shall worship the Lord your God, and him only shall you serve," says Jesus, citing Deuteronomy." (§2096)

CATECHISM: “Because Christ himself is present in the sacrament of the altar, he is to be honored with the worship of adoration." To visit the Blessed Sacrament is . . . a proof of gratitude, an expression of love, and a duty of adoration toward Christ our Lord" (Paul VI, MF 66). (§1418)

CATECHISM: Worship of the Eucharist. In the liturgy of the Mass we express our faith in the real presence of Christ under the species of bread and wine by, among other ways, genuflecting or bowing deeply as a sign of adoration of the Lord. "The Catholic Church has always offered and still offers to the sacrament of the Eucharist the cult of adoration, not only during Mass, but also outside of it, reserving the consecrated hosts with the utmost care, exposing them to the solemn veneration of the faithful, and carrying them in procession." (§1378)

The Synod of Bishops Rediscovers Eucharistic Adoration:

(go to “Daily Dispatches” of 10-7-05, then “Vatican Dossier”)

Ed. note: Flying Buttress publisher Tomas de Torquemada is not a doctor, nor does he play one on TV, but given Mick’s propensity for wandering aimlessly in and out of Church teaching without warning, we have to wonder: is Fr. Mick, Lawrence (or was that Lawrence, Mick?) afflicted with (gasp)


Kudos to Bishop Robert Vasa of Baker, OR


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