The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Friday, December 02, 2005

The Flying Buttress, 7/1/05

The Flying Buttress +Dissecting dissent in the Cincinnati Archdiocese+

Something Wiccan This Way Comes

+We call your attention to a column in the June 10th issue of the (Occasionally) Catholic Telegraph, “Praying the Rosary," in which Editor Tricia Hempel rhapsodizes about psychic/medium John Edward’s use of the rosary as a weapon of spiritual defense (Editor’s note: that is, against the anger of those who have been duped by his act), and his magnificent dream that the Church will some day embrace the occult (after all, Edward received a Papal blessing and is being encouraged by at least one priest).

+Far be it from us to point out that Hempel and her boss Tutu have utterly embarrassed themselves by not checking out their false idol before committing their column to print (even the left-wing TIME Magazine has exposed Edward's dubious "gifts"). We prefer to take the high road, by seizing this opportunity to explore the exciting possibilities inherent in their open contempt for the Catechism. The Flying Buttress’ team of liturgical scholars, consulting with Vatican III peritii Morgan le Fay and Aleister Crowley1, has responded to this challenge by designing a new rite of Mass, the Ordo Rigor Mortis, whose express purpose is to put laity in contact with “the other side."

+The Ordo Rigor Mortis incorporates the most potent aspects of New Age thought and practice, in the hopes that anyone assisting at this Mass will immediately be put in touch with the Heavenly Host, who has been waiting patiently lo these many years to send us their important messages…

+We humbly submit our design to our Holy Father, Pope Benedict XVI, for promulgation: ____________________________

Notes: 1. Who are, fittingly enough, dead.

“Tutu": An apocryphal reference to Archbishop Daniel Pilarczyk, who approves of ballerinas performing liturgical dance during the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass.


Introductory Rites

Entrance Procession:

(After the coven has assembled during the waxing moon, the high priest or priestess will dance down the aisle, blowing kisses at the people and at the altar as they take their seats).


High Priest: (gazing into the cauldron) Cauldron, reveal to us that which we seek. Great Mother, open my inner eye that I may truly see.

All: So mote it be!

High Priest: Em hotep!

All: Nanu, nanu!

Penitential Rite:

High Priest: As we prepare to celebrate the mystery of Goddess sexuality, let us acknowledge our dysfunctions and ask the Goddess for Viagra. Goddess, we have not consummated you: Goddess, have mercy.

All: Goddess, have mercy.

High Priest: Goddess, demonstrate the positions of the Kama Sutra.

All: And grant us your perpetual sexual fulfillment.

High Priest: May almighty Goddess have mercy on us, forgive us our dysfunctions, and bring us to everlasting satiety.

All: So mote it be!


High Priest: Goddess have mercy.

All: Goddess have mercy.

High Priest: Horned God have mercy.

All: Horned God have mercy.


All: Glory to the Great Architect in his Pentagram,

and blessings to his initiates on earth. Horned God, heavenly King, almighty hermaphroditic Parent, We worship you, we give you thanks, we offer sacrifices for your glory. Avatar Jesus of Nazareth, our Piscean Ascended Master, Horned God, Lamb of Nature, you take away the karma of the world: have mercy on us; you are seated in the midst of those crossed over: receive our prayer. For you alone are the Wise One, you alone are Lord and Lady, You alone are the Most High, Head of the White Brotherhood, with the Anima Mundi, in the glory of God and Goddess. Blessed be!

Liturgy of the Word

First Reading:

Psychic Reader: A reading from The Egyptian Book of the Dead.

[At the end of the reading, the psychic reader proclaims, and the coven responds:]

Psychic Reader: The Word of the Dead.

All: Dead as a doornail!

Responsorial Palm Reading:

[The people read their neighbor’s palm; their neighbors respond and do likewise.]

Second Reading:

[A second reading, from The Book of Shadows, is prescribed for all major sacrifice feasts, but not for most weekdays or minor sacrifice days.]

Gnosis Acclamation:

Choir or Cantor: Abracadabra! All repeat: Shazaam! Choir or Cantor: [verse] All repeat: Shazaam!


Before the Gnosis Proclamation: High Priest: The Light be with you. All: And also with you. High Priest: A reading from the Holy Gnosis according to the I Ching, The Book of Runes, the Ouija Board, or the Tarot Deck. All: Blessed be! After the Gnosis Proclamation: High Priest: The Gnosis of the Eleusinian Mysteries. All: Praise to you, Lord of Light and Darkness!

Homily/Cold Reading:

[The high priest selects a member of the coven, and transmits to them a message from a dead relative.]

Profession of Faith:


An it harm none, do what ye will; if harm it does, do what ye must. I swear by this sacred fire that I, _______ (name), Priest(ess) and Witch, shall ever be true to the principles embodied by the Goddess and the God, and that I shall endeavor to always walk in the light of the lantern of Wicca.

Liturgy of the Eucharistic Magick Herbs and Botanicals

[The High Priest will cast a magic circle around the altar, drawn out in a ritual manner, followed by a cleansing and then blessing of the space. Prayers to the God and Goddess are said, and spells are sometimes worked. He will then arrange the altar tools - a broom (besom), cauldron, Chalice (goblet), wand, Book of Shadows, altar cloth, athame (personal knife), altar knife, boline, candles, and/or incense - using the principles of Feng Shui.]

Presentation of the Gifts / Preparation of the Altar:

High Priest: Blessed are you, Sol Invictus. Through your goodness we have these herbs to offer, which earth has given and human hands have made. It will become for us the aroma of knowledge. All: Come to us your sons and daughters.

High Priest: Blessed are you, Sol Invictus. Through your goodness we have these tea leaves to offer, fruit of the vine and work of human hands. It will become our spiritual potion. All: Come to us your sons and daughters.

High Priest: Pray, my brothers and sisters, that our sacrifice may be acceptable to Pan of the Sacred Pipes. All: May the Horned God accept the sacrifice at your hands, for the praise and glory of his name, for our good, and the good of all his covens.

Examination of the Herbs:

[The High Priest sifts through the herbs, to determine which ones are the best to roll and smoke. At the end, the coven responds:] All: Blessed be!

Eucharistic Prayer:

Preface Dialogue:

High Priest: The Dead be with you. All: And also with you. High Priest: Tune in your thoughts. All: We tune them in to the Dead. High Priest: Let us give thanks to those present in Spirit. All: It is right to consult them about our sex lives.

Holy, Holy (Sanctus): All: Holy, holy, holy Lord, God of nature and light, Heaven and earth are full of your spirit guides. Mojo in the highest. Blessed is he who comes to bring us messages. Mojo in the highest.

Memorial Acclamation: High Priest: Let us proclaim the presence of the Dead: All: The Dead have died, the Dead have rolled over, the Dead will reincarnate. Doxology and Great Amen: High Priest: Through them, with them, and in them, in the unity of the God and Goddess, all glory and honor is theirs, pervasive spirit guides, for ever and ever. All: Blessed be! [may be sung more than once]

Communion Rite

Lord’s Prayer:

High Priest: Let us pray with confidence the ancient words of Wicca:

All: Let us remember the former glory,

Light enthroned in celestial shafts of gold, Traversing the sky in Summer strength, Coaxing the growth Of meadowed pastures and fertile fields. Sun of Righteousness! Sol Invictus! Solar Savior! We remember the glory that was Thine, And take comfort In the memory of Thy radiance!

Sign of Mirth:

High Priest: Lord of Light, you said to your initiates: I leave you mirth, my mirth I give you. Look not on our dogma, but on the adoration of your coven, and grant us the wisdom and mirth of your kingdom where you live for ever and ever. All: Blessed be!

High Priest: The Mirth of the Lord be with you always. All: And also with you.

High Priest: Let us offer each other a sign of mirth. [The High Priest and all the people greet each other by saying, “May your Mojo always be true!”]

Rolling of the Herbs:

All: Pan of the Pipes, you take away the imbalances of the world: have mercy on us. Pan of the Pipes, you take away the imbalances of the world: have mercy on us. Pan of the Pipes, you take away the imbalances of the world: grant us mirth.


High Priest: This is Pan of the Pipes who takes away the imbalances of the world. Delirious are those who are called to inhale.

All: Lord, I am not worthy to inhale you, but only pass the joint and I shall be giddy.

High Priest: The herbs of Pan. Initiate: Like, wow, man! High Priest: The tea leaves of Pan. Initiate: Dude!

Sharing Song:

[During the smoking of the herbs, an appropriate song is sung, such as “Stairway to Heaven.”]

Period of Silence:

[The members of the coven may take this time to use their dowsing rods to look for loose change, or burn their Mugwort incense]

Prayer after Sharing:

High Priest: Let us pray. God and Goddess of this gilded season, transforming foliage from green to gold And preparing the dying year for its resting place In the bosom of Winter's embrace; We graciously acknowledge the Mystery of Thy Presence With every falling leaf, And we ask Thy guidance through this season of lengthening shadows, While we remember with thankfulness The abundance of Thy harvest bounties which Thou hast given us. [At the end, the people proclaim their consent.] All: All Hail, Farewell, and Blessed Be.

Concluding Rite


High Priest: The Dead be with you. All: And also with you.


High Priest: May the equal balance of light and dark Bless you with its insights Into the equilibrium that is life itself!

All: Blessed be!


High Priest: The Mass is ended, go in mirth.

All: Merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again!


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