The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Friday, December 02, 2005

The Flying Buttress, 5/30/05

The Flying Buttress +Dissecting dissent in the Cincinnati Archdiocese+

A New Indulgence

+The Flying Buttress has learned that Archbishop Daniel Pilarczyk has issued an addendum to Pope John Paul II’s 1990 Apostolic Constitution Ex Corde Ecclesiae (“From the heart of the Church").

+As you know, Ex Corde requires those who teach theological subjects in any Catholic institute of higher studies to obtain a mandatum from a competent ecclesiastical authority, thus ensuring that authentic Catholic teaching is presented in Catholic classrooms.

+Pilarczyk’s addendum, entitled Ex Faece Populi (freely translated, “From the bottom of the barrel"), grants a new loophole for those theologians – i.e. most of Cincinnati’s - who refuse to seek the mandatum on the grounds that it not only tramples upon their academic freedom but affronts their intellectual pride as well. This new loophole is known as the self-indulgence. Here’s how it works:

  • A theologian who refuses to seek the mandatum must, as a demonstration of his sincere, faithful and committed conscience, personally nail his objections to the door of the Archbishop’s office. Faxes, e-mails, and postal letters are not acceptable.
  • Objections must not exceed 95 in number.
  • The theologian who takes this action is hereafter referred to as “the protestant," which automatically endows him with privileged status under the principle of ecumenism, and a standing invitation to serve as a peritus at Vatican III.
  • If the protestant’s objections contain the proper balance of self-serving rhetoric and politically correct invective, and take the view that it is the role of theologians to sit in judgment on the teachings of the Pope and the Magisterium, the Archbishop will grant him a partial self-indulgence.
  • For a partial self-indulgence, the formula corde arrogans contrito, "at least with a proud heart," is the customary prescription.
  • Finally, Ex Faece Populi grants the protestant the following “Top Ten" partial self-indulgences, providing he is free from all attachment to humility:
    1. Choreograph liturgical dance for performance during Mass at St. Peter in Chains Cathedral.
    2. Write an opinion piece for The (Occasionally) Catholic Telegraph nuancing one Church teaching into extinction. Special graces are granted if the opinion piece advocates for the acceptance of sincere, faithful and committed homosexual relationships, the elimination of celibacy for the priesthood, or the labeling of God as cruel and insensitive for demanding that Jesus sacrifice Himself for our sins.
    3. Same as (2), but in the form of a paper presented at a Catholic Theological Society of America convention.
    4. Write a skit to be introduced during Mass, esp. one that features Santa Claus during the Advent season or the Easter Bunny on Easter.
    5. Ghost-write a homily extolling the virtues of ordaining women.
    6. Read from “The Inclusive New Testament” during Mass.
    7. Introduce the doctrine of moral equivalence into at least one parish RCIA curriculum.
    8. Become a member of the Jesus Seminar.
    9. Teach a class on “Reincarnation and the God Within” for Xavier University’s Theology Department.
    10. Refuse to kneel during an audience with the Holy Father.


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