The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Friday, December 02, 2005

The Flying Buttress, 5/23/05

The Flying Buttress +Dissecting dissent in the Cincinnati Archdiocese+

Reader Satisfaction Questionnaire

+The Flying Buttress has obtained a copy of a questionnaire mailed by The (Occasionally) Catholic Telegraph, asking readers’ opinions about the “true readership" of our - you should pardon the expression - official organ.

+Of the 30 methodical questions in this survey, we couldn’t help but notice that there was only one question among them, #19, with any real bearing on the faith formation of Cincinnati Catholics: “What, if anything, would you like to see different in The Catholic Telegraph?" We offer our response at the end of this issue…

+But first, we demonstrate the collection of relevant and meaningful faith formation data, via our very own Reader Satisfaction Questionnaire. The results of your answers will be tabulated as soon as we figure out how to use the abacus, and will be used to help us determine whether or not we need police protection.


1. How did you first hear about The Flying Buttress?

Unsolicited, annoying e-mail.

Hastily whispered conversation during Mass.

A passing itinerant priest.

Mysterious coded message embedded in the Third Secret of Fatima.

A still, small voice within.

2. How often do you read The Flying Buttress?

Whenever I clean out my Spam folder.

Whenever I’m tired of playing computer solitaire.

Whenever it comes out, but who can figure out their schedule?

Whilst sitting on the throne.

3. After I read The Flying Buttress, I:

Send the publisher a zip-file virus.

Forward it to Tricia Hempel so she can send the publisher an indignant note.

Ask God to bless the mean-spirited publisher.

Take a shower and go to Confession.


1. What kind of Catholic are you?

Cradle Catholic.

Grave Catholic.

Fallen away Catholic/shoebox parishioner.

I’ve fallen and I can’t get up Catholic.

What’s a Catholic?

2. How devout are you?

Pre-Vatican II traditionalist: extremely devout.

Post-Conciliar progressive: sporadically devout, whenever it suits me (as long as no one is offended).

Xavier moral theologian: is it ethical to be devout? By whose authority?

Jesuit: “devout" is only one of many parallel traditions.

3. How would you describe your parish?

Orthodox: we have Perpetual Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament.

Middle-of-the-Road: we have occasional Reflection on the Blessed Sacrament.

Liberal: we have continuous Admiration of the Blessed People of God.

We call ourselves a “community," not a parish.


1. What do you like most about The Flying Buttress?

Old English font in the header.

Easy to dance to.

My subscription never expires.

It’s free.

2. Does The Flying Buttress tell the truth about the leadership of the Cincinnati Archdiocese?

No, it’s a lying, vicious rag that should be silenced.

Yes, it hits the nail on the head.

I don’t know - truth is all relative anyway.

I don’t want to get involved.

3. What, if anything, would you like to see different in The Flying Buttress?

More humble obedience to prestigious progressive hegemony.

The publisher should stop hiding behind a nom-de-plume.

The publisher should stop referring to himself as “we."

The publisher should get a life.

Oh, and we almost forgot:

19. What, if anything, would you like to see different in The Catholic Telegraph?

Sadly, the Telegraph is only a reflection of the worldview and faith of the Archbishop, whose modus operandi, as we have pointed out before, is to conduct a tepid, half-hearted arm’s length embrace of our Faith, while cultivating heterodoxy, dissent, and worse behind the scenes. The “progressive" nature of the newspaper will not change, therefore, until the arrival of a new Archbishop. At that point, presuming His New Excellency is orthodox, perhaps the Telegraph will STOP COMPROMISING, UNDERMINING AND DECONSTRUCTING OUR FAITH WITH THE SANCTIMONIOUS STENCH OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS, AND BEGIN TO DEFEND AND PROPAGATE IT WITH THE FIERY ZEAL OF THE SAINTS OF OLD.


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