The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Monday, January 15, 2007

Our Lord's New Civil Rights

+ The Flying Buttress has learned that the Archdiocese of Cincinnati has leased office space to a new lay tenant. This lay apostolate bases their mission on the gadfly theology of Heidi Schlumpf ("For us and for our salvation") (predictably seconded by Xavier theologian Kenneth Overberg, SJ), who posits that a good and merciful God could not possibly have decreed the torture, suffering and death of Jesus. The group has taken the name "People for the Ethical Treatment of the Eucharist," or PETE.

+Developing Schlumpf’s theme, PETE proclaims that a just and compassionate God could not possibly want His Only Son to experience the pain and horror of being chewed and swallowed on a daily basis, millions of times the world over. "Since Jesus is present in the Eucharist," insists PETE President Dr. Meriwether Falafel, PhD, "that means the Eucharist has all the civil rights of an ordinary mortal person, and cannot be so casually and cruelly dispatched. In fact, the horrible fate of these martyred billions of our Eucharistic comrades is a global disgrace - a veritable holocaust."

+Perusing PETE literature in the Chancery brochure rack, our Flying Buttress staff identified several recurrent themes:

1. The Eucharist is not ours to confine. We must never keep the Eucharist locked up in a Tabernacle, as claustrophobic or even violent tendencies may result. The Eucharist must be stored in an open, comfortable and free space, with plenty of light and circulating fresh air for nourishment.

2. The Eucharist is not ours to eat. The Eucharist should be adored and admired, but never eaten. However, we recognize that this age-old tradition may be difficult to break, and may require an intermediate consciousness-raising step. Therefore, any Catholic who feels they must consume the Eucharist must complete our sensitivity training workshop entitled "Sensitive Sacrament, Compassionate Consumption." Upon completion of this workshop, the participant will receive a username and password, which will be checked against our database each time the Eucharist is received. Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion will assume the additional office of Extraordinary Ministers of Eucharistic Security, and will ensure that no Eucharist is received without a correct username and password.

3. The Eucharist is not ours to exploit. The production of the Eucharist by so-called "Eucharist Farms" must cease immediately. These mass production bakeries have been caught time and time again maximizing profits by herding hundreds of thousands of Eucharists into tiny, inhumane storage spaces characterized by detention camp conditions of overcrowding and confinement. No Eucharist should have to tolerate the humiliation of being piled on top of other Eucharists, or jammed into tiny slots.

4. The Eucharist is not ours to use for experimentation or instruction. The Eucharist all too frequently suffers exacerbated pain and distress through routine procedures that are conducted improperly and cruelly. The most common abuse is to pour scalding hot water into the wheat and white flour mixture, mix the ingredients violently, and then crush them mercilessly under a rolling pin. To complete this degradation, Eucharists are scored deeply with a knife, causing agonizing pain.

5. Finally, here in the United States, each Eucharist is entitled, at a very minimum, to:

  • decent, safe and affordable housing;
  • comfortable, attractive and functional clothing;
  • gainful employment, with competitive benefits;
  • professional medical care;
  • convenient transportation;
  • a viable path to citizenship as legally documented Eucharistic-Americans.

"Only when these measures are embraced," says Dr. Falafel, "can all Eucharists be truly welcomed into our midst with a sense of justice and compassion, and be relieved of their martyrdom."

+PETE's platform has been met with high praise and immediate endorsement from Schlumpf and Overberg, as well as from the Society of Jesus, Call to Action, and the National Catholic Reporter.

Miscellanea CATHOLICA

+Speaking of Call to Action, this group has initiated a letter-writing campaign directed against Bishop Fabian Bruskewitz. If you would like to express your support of Bishop Bruskewitz in the face of Call to Action’s unrepentant arrogance and stupidity, write to:

The Most Rev. Fabian Bruskewitz Bishop of Lincoln Chancery Office PO Box 80328 Lincoln, NB 68501-0328


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