The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

A kinder, gentler Flying Buttress (II)

+ We hope our readers haven't been too distracted by the ongoing disintegration of Western Civilization to recall our April 29 issue, in which we published Archbishop Pilarczyk's responses to an Enneagram questionnaire.

+This week, holding fast to our new, more understanding, and more compassionate posture, we offer an entirely free, no-obligation analysis of His Excellency's personality based on his questionnaire responses, concluding with some suggestions as to how he might use his personality traits to enhance both his job performance and his personal well-being.

+Analysis. Daniel Pilarczyk, you are a Type Four personality, an "Innovator." You seek the new and different, the thrill, the highly charged sensory experience, the emotional rush. Small wonder, then, that you refer to the restoration of tradition as a "liturgical winter," for the old ways simply bore you. "Why should people keep on doing the same thing in the same old way for centuries?" you ask. You need variety, a constant change of pace and scenery to satiate your inner restlessness.

+Though you can be the life of the party (a role not unsuitable for a Leo) this constant search for thrill and titillation has its down side, for should you descend from your impetuous peak, your life becomes a vale of tears characterized by depression, moodiness, and instability. Your compensatory reaction against this downswing frequently leads you to plunge recklessly into numerous shallow and fleeting relationships which have no meaning, and which only postpone the inevitable day of reckoning.

+Ironically, your propensity for doing, thinking, and feeling "outside the tabernacle" creates in you a wistful nostalgia for the very patterns and comforts you spurn. In your innermost, secret self, you long for stability, tradition, monogamy, and most of all, the security of being like everyone else. You are envious of those who have secured these comforts in their lives, and that creates in you a perpetual dissatisfaction with the status quo and with yourself, a constant self-critical search for "greener pastures." Yours is the tragic view of life, though you deny it vehemently. You mischaracterize and then dismiss the "nostalgia" of traditionalists, yet it is a longing for the norms of civilized life which chronically plague you.

+Recommendation. There are ways, however, to overcome these weaknesses. You must focus on your strengths, and the resourcefulness you bring to the table. Learn to explore and develop the possibilities of every task without becoming impatient. Think about the advantages of habit and ritual. Overcome your moodiness through physical exercise, such as liturgical dance. Channel your self-criticism into championing a cause or program you believe in, like CRYSM, or the many other forms of sexual, environmental, immigrant, racial and animal justice which you hold so dear and which make you feel accepted.

+Above all, Daniel, you must find equanimity. Learn to move beyond labels such as "good" or "evil," and live in a neutral present without pain or anguish, reward or punishment. Understand that everything in the world is relative and impermanent.

+In order to facilitate the achievement of equanimity, we find that the painstaking construction of sand mandalas, that assiduous pursuit of Tibetan Buddhist monks you so recently featured in the Telegraph, would bring you a salutary change in perspective and open up entirely new vistas of enlightenment. This newly achieved equanimity would not only serve you well in your roles as administrator and shepherd, but also serve to remind you, in a supremely tangible way, of the ephemeral nature of life, and above all, of the fragility of your position as Ordinary.

Miscellanea CATHOLICA

+Your Excellency, if you found this thumbnail Enneagram sketch helpful, you might also enjoy this.

+ The true origin of the Lavender Mafia.


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