The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Monday, January 15, 2007

Torquemada's Top Ten

+Word has reached our inquisitors’ ears that the Cincinnati Archdiocese is strapped for cash, and will be taking a bigger share of collection plate offerings from its parishes. In response to this crisis (and always eager to help), our ever-resourceful Flying Buttress staff, whose performance evaluations were downgraded recently for watching too much David Letterman, now offers our:

Top Ten Ways to Increase Ca$h Reserves At the Archdiocese of Cincinnati

10. Cancel the Lay Pastoral Ministry Program, which staffs parishes with protestantized, ecumenized and secularized social justice airheads, and increase the staffing of the Vocations Office. Destroy the mindset of staffing priestless parishes with laity.

9. Cut the budget of Catholic Social Action Office in half, or eliminate it altogether, and establish a Respect Life Office.

8. Expand the faith formation pages of The (Occasionally) Catholic Telegraph, place the paper under the editorship of a priest or religious with an orthodox track record, and review the contents of each issue prior to publication.1

7. Remove the Marxist-Leninist-Stalinist “National Conference for Community and Justice” (NCCJ – now calling itself “Bridges”) from your storefront and lease this space to a fine Catholic bookstore. While you’re thinking about your building, give the exterior some prominent signs of Catholic identity.

6. Anticipate Pope Benedict’s universal indult NOW for the 1962 Missal. Allow the Priestly Fraternity of St. Peter to establish a parish home and operate freely within the Archdiocese.

5. Stop ordaining, protecting and hiding homosexual (er, uh, “pedophile”) priests; stop hiring homosexual personnel directors, and the homosexual criminals they hire, to run the Archdiocesan background check program

4. Institute Perpetual Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament in every parish in the Archdiocese.

3. Exterminate the theological termites at Xavier, Mt. St. Joseph, and the University of Dayton. Can you say “Mandatum”?

2. Tirelessly promote and defend Catholic orthodoxy and sacred tradition.

And the Number One way for the Cincinnati Archdiocese to Increase Ca$h Reserves is:

1. An immediate early retirement for Archbishop Pilarczyk!

NOTE: 1. The sagacious reader will recognize in items 10, 9, and 8 some of the actions taken by Bishop Robert Finn of Kansas City-St. Joseph.

Miscellanea CATHOLICA

+Did Arlington, VA Bishop Paul Loverde really write the pastoral letter on pornography "Bought With a Price"? Could this be the same reputedly homosexual bishop who has all but laicized Fr. James Haley for exposing priests in the Diocese of Arlington whose computers were loaded with gay pornography? Tell us, Your Excellency, who do you think you're fooling?


Post a Comment

<< Home