The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The Discovery Channel Atones

+ The Flying Buttress is pleased to report that the Discovery Channel, bowing to intense pressure from our reviled but influential Publisher, has decided to air a follow-up documentary to atone for its scandalous fraud “The Lost Tomb of Jesus.”

+With this new documentary, entitled “The Lost Faith of the USCCB,” renowned filmmaker Erich von Torquemada claims to have discovered a tomb in Los Angeles containing the remains of the faith of ten prominent American bishops. These unusually large faith boxes, unearthed during the construction of a gay civil rights museum near the La Brea Tar Pits, are rumored to include six that are inscribed with names:

(1) Daniel bar Pilarczyk, Polish for “Daniel son of Bernardin”; (2) Roger bar Mahony, Irish for “Roger son of Dodger”; (3) Donald Abu ben adem Wuerl, Arabic for “may your tribe decrease”; (4) Harry bar Tridentine Flynn, Irish for “rainbows and nursing homes”; (5) Tod bin Brown, German for “kneeling ist verboten”; and (6) George lambda-laden Niederauer, Bavarian for “Brokeback Fever.”

+In what is a most remarkable coincidence, the contents of these six inscribed faith boxes were uncannily similar, as if mutually agreed upon. They each contained the following:

1 Rosary; 1 Liturgia Horarium, 1985 edition; 1 Douay Rheims Bible; 1 Missal of 1962; 1 set, Latin Altar Cards, framed; 1 Missal of 1970; 1 Sacrosanctum Consilium; 1 ORATIONES a SACERDOTIBUS, framed; 1 Catechism of the Catholic Church; 1 ea. chalice, ciborium, paten; 1 ea. censer, thurible, bells; 1 Confessional stole; 1 Letter of Appointment from His Holiness John Paul II

+Forensic Note: Most leading epigraphers and ambulance-chasers agree about the veracity of these inscriptions. All certified archaeologists and grave-diggers confirm the details of the find. What we have here is a situation ripe for the statistical analysis we commissioned, which compared DNA samples found on the artifacts and concluded that the probability factor is 600 to 1 in favor of this tomb being the tomb of the lost faith of the USCCB.

+Theological Note: It is a matter of common knowledge and belief among faithful Catholics that the USCCB is the duly constituted, licit, collegial and ecclesiastical body of the Roamin’ Homosexual Catholic Church in America (RHCCIA). Their true status is confirmed by every USCCB document on homosexuality. The Lost Faith of the USCCB does not challenge this belief.

+Exegetical Note: In an Appendix to the USCCB document “Ministry to Persons with a Homosexual Inclination: Guidelines for Pastoral Care,” it states that a rumor was circulating in Baltimore at the time of the bishops' November 2006 conference. This story holds that not only was the bishops' faith lost, but that our entire sacred deposit of faith was put up for auction by these bishops and purchased by the United Nations, where it was temporarily buried under backlogged paperwork at the UN Secretariat, then moved to a secret vault under the Rockefeller Center.

+Though USCCB President Bishop William Skylstad called this rumor a lie circulated by traditionalists and sedevacantists, it appears in the "Guidelines" as one of the stories surrounding the disappearance of our sacred deposit of faith. However, even if our sacred deposit of faith had been moved from one tomb to another, that does not mean that it could not be resurrected from the second tomb. Belief in its resurrection is based not on which tomb it was buried in, but on alleged sightings of it that occurred after its burial. These alleged sightings were also dismissed by Skylstad as "improbable and preposterous poppycock."

Miscellanea CATHOLICA

+Author and researcher Randy Engel on the USCCB'S “Ministry to Persons With Homosexual Inclination”: New Oxford Review, March 2007.

+We ask Our Lord to “deliver us from evil,” but would we recognize evil if we saw it?


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