The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Xavier's New Theology Hire

+The Xavier University Department of Theology recently announced the appointment of theologian Diehard de Chardonnay, SJ, to its faculty. While reaction among his peers to the appointment of this obscure Jesuit priest and enologist was characterized by muted puzzlement, Theology Chair Dr. Maria Giblin has made assurances that Father de Chardonnay, as someone who has "labored long and fruitfully in the cosmic vineyard," does indeed bring a substantial and seminal new presence to the Jesuit campus.

+The Flying Buttress Research Department, having undertaken a thorough and comprehensive study of Father's published work, has compiled a topical précis of his thought, which, we trust, will prove to be a handy guide for students and faculty alike.

Background. Diehard de Chardonnay's theology dates back to a seemingly insignificant incident in his vineyard in 1975. While examining his vines one day, Father unwittingly stepped on and crushed a grape that had fallen to the ground. Suddenly, his nervous system sensed the enormous anguish experienced by the grape as its life was extinguished before it had produced any wine. In a simultaneous flash of revelation he conceived of the sacred pulsating unity of all central nervous systems, and their eternal rootedness in the planetary, solar and galactic nervous systems. He immediately described this unity as the "Milky Way Plexus," a theory upon which all other aspects of his thought are built.

Social Justice. Chardonnay's theory of social justice flows organically - one might even say Plexotically - from his vision of the universal sacred sensorium. It was also heavily influenced by a sabbatical in Nicaragua during the 1980s, during which he provided a much-needed theological grounding for Sandanista leaders. Diehard holds that all created things are evolving toward a supremely perfected and just interrelationship, a state in which the flow of Divine Nervous Impulse can never be denied to any part of the Mystical Nervous System of Christ. In honor of the Marxist Earthly Paradise envisioned by the Sandinistas, Father describes this perfected just state as the "Ortega Point." Once humanity has ushered the Ortega Point into being, no further oppression, exploitation or marginalization will occur, and we will find ourselves under the benign and benevolent stewardship of a heretofore unknown pantheon of the heavenly host, a race of enlightened beings called "Neurons."

Sexual Orientation. Diehard's view of sexuality is simply this: since sexuality is expressed via nervous impulse, and since all nervous impulses are sacred and holy, no one impulse can be restricted by an outmoded "morality," or by an elitist priestly class which wrongly excludes - albeit theoretically - these sacred impulses from its own life experience. Therefore, says Chardonnay, what matters is not the gender of one's sexual partner, but the pure, unimpeded and just transmission of the sacred impulse, so that the union of two entities may produce a sum much greater than their internal organs. Since the sacred impulse, according to Chardonnay, is transmitted more intensely among men, he has labeled his sexual theories the "Gay-a Hypothesis."

Evolution. A recurrent theme in the writings of de Chardonnay is the evolution of consciousness from the biosphere (the primordial nervous muck) toward a reflective, thinking layer of matter which he called the "moosphere," named after the cow and its famed ability to chew its cud. Once the moosphere is fully developed (an event to be synchronized with the realization of the Ortega Point), all social intercourse among sentient beings will begin with the salutation "I behold the bovine in you."

The Physics of Divinity. De Chardonnay has codified the Divine Nervous Impulse into two distinct fundamental types: radial, and bias ply. Radial Impulses, which run at 90 degree angles to the medial cortex, provide better traction and decreased rolling resistance on the Nervous Superhighway, resulting in improved neural transmission rates. Bias Ply Impulses, on the other hand, run at 45 degree overlapping angles, resulting in rigidity and resistance to change, a state clearly undesirable for the development of the moosphere. Therefore, concludes Diehard, the pursuit and development of the Radial Divine Impulse, particularly in its all-weather configuration, is undoubtedly the preferred form of spiritual development.

+Introducing de Chardonnay to her theology faculty, Dr. Giblin further characterized him as "a true ally of those whose careers are dedicated to searching for existential needles in an ontological haystack." The Flying Buttress warmly welcomes Father Diehard to Cincinnati’s Catholic community.

Miscellanea CATHOLICA

+What happens to a Catholic school run by lay staff and administrators, saddled with an expensive “activity center,” mismanaged for 20 years by pastors, and unable to find support from a corrupt Archdiocese drained by sexual abuse lawsuits? The alumni, parents and children of Annunciation School in Clifton and SS. Peter and Paul School in Reading know.

+Last November, the Catholic Medical Association released a document asking the Catholic bishops of this country to stop the use of the controversial sex education programs being pushed upon our children, saying they are inappropriate and not in keeping with Catholic Church teaching. Read the LifeSite article here, and the CMA Press Release here.

To no one’s surprise, the USCCB has failed to respond to the CMA. Please write to the Pontifical Council for the Family to voice your protest:

His Eminence Alfonso Cardinal Lopez Trujillo Pontifical Council for the Family Piazza San Calisto, 16 00120 Vatican City State

Fax: (39)-06-6988-7272 (When dialing from USA, start with 011)



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