The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Sunday, February 10, 2008

A Call to Order

+The Flying Buttress has learned that the schismatic homosexual federation known to our readers as the RHCCIA is now attempting to offer a deeper level of spiritual enrichment to its followers. As outlined in their recently published Extraordinary Bulletin No. 1, “The Inclusive Tradition,” the federation has formed three new religious orders. They are described briefly as follows:

+The first order, based here in Cincinnati and appealing to staid and conservative bedrock midwest values, has been named the “Log Cabin Franciscans.”

+The second order, based in San Francisco and targeting the federation’s more flamboyant, expressive and dramatic followers, is calling itself the “Sisters of Perpetual Self-Indulgence.”

+The third order began by calling itself the Society Against Traditional Dogma (STD). However, in response to concerns raised by the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta that the initials STD might result in the unintentional promotion of promiscuity, the Society has changed its name to simply “The Disputians.”

+This week we offer our readers the Rule of the Log Cabin Franciscans.

Rule I

The rule of life of the Log Cabin Franciscans is to study the radical social gospel of Our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in continual dialogue with the Holy Spirit, and to maintain fidelity to the Impresarium1 of the RHCCIA and to our sexual orientation, without any other thought but civil justice and equality.

The friars promise their loyalty to the Extraordinary Presiders and their canonically discerned successors and representatives of the RHCCIA.

Rule II

Let the brothers study diligently the Divine Office and bend all their energies to revising it in accordance with the principles of the Book of Common Prayer. The brothers shall fast on all the patriotic holidays, especially July 4, Labor Day, Memorial Day and President’s Day, as a celebration of their solidarity with all Americans and their love of country.

Rule III

The friars are not to receive cash donations, as they are not to consider themselves poor but rich in the Holy Spirit. However, they may accept gifts of high quality investments, annuities, government securities and real estate, as long as these gifts are properly redistributed to needy RHCCIA parishes and worthy social causes. In lieu of social causes, donations to the RHCCIA Foundation will be accepted.

Rule IV

The friars are to clothe themselves in a brown tunic and capuche, though a gray Bill Belichick hoodie may be substituted on Super Bowl Sunday. A rainbow flag pin must be worn and be visible at all times.

Rule V

Let the brothers place the highest premium on limited government, laissez-faire socialization and personal responsibility, to ensure that the abbot does not usurp the powers of discipline and enforcement, and to ensure that the brothers maintain that self-determination and individual liberty which is so vital to maintaining their freedom.

Rule VI

When the brothers have business outside the monastery, let them not consort with hate criminals or homophobes, nor anyone else tainted by an association with the radical Christian right. When the brothers find themselves among other orders who share their sexuality, such as the Society of Jesus, let them comport themselves with the dignity that befits members of the same family.

Rule VII

The brothers may not participate in any ostentatious displays of identity, such as Gay Pride parades or USCCB conferences2, no matter how deeply their sympathies may lie with those involved in such events. They may, however, assist such efforts behind the scenes, while being careful to avoid any recognition which might contribute to a false sense of self-importance.


The friars shall elect a Minister General through representation by an Electoral College of provincials, who shall be chosen by straw polls conducted at each monastery. The Minister General shall proudly bear the title of The Great Emancipator, after our great President and role model Abraham Lincoln.

1. That is, the dogmatic diversion office of the RHCCIA. 2. Though those from our former affiliation who share our identity may not wish to acknowledge our bond publicly.

Miscellanea CATHOLICA

+Una Voce Carmel (Indiana) is proud to present Fr. Gerard Saguto of the Priestly Fraternity of St. Peter, who will be giving on a talk on "Culture, Convenience and Catholicism" at St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Catholic Church, 10655 Haverstick Rd, Carmel, IN on Feb 10, 2008. For more information, please call (317) 581-0315 or visit

+Liturgical Dancing with the Stars

+Sandro Magister reports that Pope Benedict will be publishing a new formulation for the Good Friday Prayer for the Conversion of the Jews in the 1962 Missal, which will eliminate references to the “darkness” and “blindness” of the Jewish people. Using this new PC formulation as our guide, The Flying Buttress hereby submits to the ICEL our new translation of Matthew 21:12:

“And Jesus went into the temple of God and earnestly began to dialogue with all those who sold and bought in the temple, and offered His gentle wisdom at the tables of the money changers and began to fold and stack the chairs of them that sold doves."


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