The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The Tapeworm Letters, #4

"My dear Hollywood,
O that I had expended more effort to extirpate the rabble-rousers in your parish! So now they are demanding that Senator X be denied Communion, are they? I suppose they are flailing you with his position on abortion.
I am satisfied of your understanding that we cannot, without exception, offend or alienate powerful and influential public figures, especially those like Senator X who have been so helpful to our cause. Thankfully, you have several resources at your disposal with which to deflect and defuse this issue, the first of which - need I really remind you? - is that your bishop has not issued any instructions to his priests on the matter! However, should any of your troublemakers happen to clear that standard hurdle, this provides you with an opportunity to learn at the feet of a master. I refer to none other than our compatriot Donnie Wuerl, whose 2005 statement on the subject is a tour de force of obfuscation, evasiveness and bureaucratic double-talk. How he thought up that "national ramifications" line is beyond me - such brilliance even surpasses calling the 1962 Missal the "Extraordinary Form"! Lest you miss the point of Donnie's "collegial" stratagem, note that his appeal to unity in effect guarantees that in most cases nothing absolutely nothing at all will be accomplished, since our little network always sees to it that there is no unity on anything, except within our own camp. My dear Hollywood, the only unity that will serve out cause is unanimity with that very cause - which, as you know, is a long way off. In the meantime, we shall divide and conquer. Ad astra per aspera! But what, you ask, are you to tell your parishioners who continue to press their case? I will sum up my response by coining a clever phrase: give ambiguity a Wuerl! Start with the personal warning - that due to Senator X's hectic schedule, you have not been able to sit down with him to converse about his position. Then use our "consistent ethic of life" ploy - that we must examine the entire spectrum of his policies, rather than just taking one completely out of context, and if that is done, then it will become apparent that the Senator's overall record is quite favorable to the Church and to our "hierarchy of beliefs." And finally, you might adopt the position of another adept, Nancy Pelosi (would that she were a religious!), who uttered this gem: "I believe that my position on choice is one that is consistent with my Catholic upbringing, which said that every person has a free will and has the responsibility to live their lives in a way that they would have to account for in the end." There you have it, old boy, a potent arsenal indeed. Welcome to the deep end of the pool!
Your affectionate Shepherd, TAPEWORM"


Post a Comment

<< Home