The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Saturday, March 08, 2008

The RHCCIA Meets the Bible Belt

+Our latest feature article about this schismatic homosexual federation investigates the liturgical practices of one of their sects that has sprouted up recently, in fact what seems like mere moments ago. Apparently, this sect is a result of a cross-fertilization between the Novus Ordo and certain pentecostal practices that originated deep in Appalachia, in the heart of the American Bible Belt.

+We refer to a new group of RHCCIA faithful who, due to their unique style of liturgical celebration, have become known as the CRYSM-matics.

+The CRYSM-matics, based in Steubenville, Ohio, not only echo the name of their charismatic brethren, but several of their celebratory customs as well. Our glossolalia correspondent Azusa Lollapalooza recently attended a CRYSM-matic Mass in Steubenville, and filed this report:

“It was with a great deal of trepidation that I crossed the threshold of St. Slain-in-the-Spirit. I was afraid that before I sat down, someone would hand me a large snake and ask me to stop, drop and roll, but - much to my relief - my presence was acknowledged with nothing more than a warm handshake and a friendly welcome.

Truth be told, there were only a relatively few points in this Mass that stood out from what I’m accustomed to (Publisher’s note: though The Flying Buttress is strictly a traditionalist publication, we do retain a few Novus Ordo Catholics on our staff in order to be inclusive). These departures, in fact, were listed in an Explanatory Note inserted in the Glory & Praise hymnal, which justified them by referring to the doctrine of the ‘hypo-ecstatic union’ – a doctrine which, as the Note acknowledged, is often referred to outside the CRYSM-matic community as the ‘hyper-ecstatic’ union, due to popular misunderstanding of the high energy level inherent in these rituals.

The first departure from the Missalette occurred at the Kyrie, where, instead of that ancient and venerable chant, the assembly began moaning very slowly, in a low voice, something which the Explanatory Note listed as ‘Kyrie II’:


(Publisher’s note: our staff linguist theorizes that by singing this chant at a faster clip, one might be able to discern a plausible meaning in English. However, we leave that to the judgment of our readers.)

The next novelty was the homily, which consisted of some simple folk-wisdom chanted by the Presider (‘P’) in a kind of repetitive sing-song refrain, punctuated by rhythmic clapping and verse from the congregation (‘P+C’), who seemed to know in advance what the Presider was going to say:

P:  ‘Oompa loompa doompety doo;
I’ve got a perfect sermon for you.
Oompa loompa doompety dee;
If you are wise you’ll listen to me.
 P+C:  What do you get when you practice safe sex?
It sure beats the heck out of abstinence!
Who are these people who tell us ‘Be chaste’?
Sex is such a terrible thing to waste!
Do you like the sound of it?
 P:  Oompa loompa doompety doo
I’ve got another sermon for you
Oompa loompa doompety dee
If you are wise you’ll listen to me
 P+C:  Monogamy’s fine when it’s once in a while,
But soon you’ll be bored and you’ll need a new style!
Who says multiple partners are wrong?
If you don’t sleep around will you really belong
The way that we do?
 P:  Oompa loompa doompety da
With all the gay graces you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do!’

Finally, in what may have been the most unusual variant, there was the Blessing, which the Presider began with this formula:

‘Ad hoc, ad loc and quid pro quo! Give it up for Jesus, and then I’ll let you go!’

After which he was heartily joined by all, with this:

‘Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo: When we’re together the Spirit is hot - bibbidi-bobbidi-boo! Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo: He can do magic believe it or not - bibbidi-bobbidi-boo! Salagadoola means mechicka booleroo But the thingmabob that does the job is bibbidi-bobbidi-boo Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo: When we’re together the Spirit is hot - bibbidi-bobbidi bibbidi-bobbidi bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!’

All in all, I must say the CRYSM-matic Mass had quite an infectious spirit, and I look forward to filing a follow-up report.”


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