The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

In Search of the Historical Pilarczyk

+The Flying Buttress is pleased to announce that a coalition of traditionalist scholars and theologians has received a planning grant from The Flying Buttress Foundation to develop a new think tank, whose purpose is to determine - through a careful study of his life and writings - the sexual orientation of Cincinnati Archbishop Daniel Pilarczyk. Coalition fellows, with affiliations as diverse as the FSSP, SSPX, SSPV, ICRSS, PAASJV, CMRI, TGIF, LSMFT and Una Voce, have named themselves “The Pilarczyk Seminar.”

+The Foundation staff, whose spacious and well-appointed offices are right across the hall from our Editorial Board Room, was kind enough to share The Pilarczyk Seminar’s proposal abstract with us, with the hope that its widespread publication would fuel Catholic interest in this groundbreaking new initiative:

“The proposed Pilarczyk Seminar wishes to undertake a scholarly investigation that will have significant consequences not only for the Cincinnati Archdiocese, but for many dioceses throughout the United States: a documented determination of the likelihood that Daniel Pilarczyk is a homosexual.

We will pursue this goal using two methods: one, a painstaking analysis of Pilarczyk’s recorded public statements, and two, a parallel and likewise meticulous consideration of Pilarczyk’s written opus. In order to achieve these goals, our first task will be to synthesize, standardize and verify the widely scattered rumors, anecdotes and underground, somewhat apocalyptic accounts describing and commenting on the personal relationships and activities of his ministry. We will then undertake a comprehensive campaign to educate the Catholic world on our findings, so that priest, layman, scholar and student may develop a well-formed assessment of this controversial figure. It is also our fervent hope that this study may serve as a best practice for future studies of other controversial figures in the Church.

Of particular interest to the fellows of The Pilarczyk Seminar is the rumored existence of a document which allegedly spells out, in vivid detail, the sexual activities of His Excellency. Known to scholars as the Lost Queer Chronicle, it has come to be known simply as “Q.” Seminar scholars believe that much, if not all, of the accounts of Pilarczyk’s sexuality were copied from this pre-existing “Q’ document, and that our determination of his orientation, if it is to be inerrant, must begin with a thorough reconstruction of “Q.”

According to our admittedly speculative analysis, “Q” can be subdivided into three sections, Q1, Q2 and Q3. Q1 would be a transcription of oral traditions stretching back to the sexual customs of Sparta, as discussed on the walls of the men’s room at Mt. St. Mary Seminary, and would deal with such questions as man-boy love, the ideal male physique, and current trends in interior décor. Q1 reflects the early Pilarczyk, the Bernardin protégé, as a firm believer in alternative sexual lifestyles, but probably provides no indications that he practiced what he preached.

Q2 adds another anecdotal layer to Q1, being characteristic of the atmosphere of unbridled freedom and license which swept through the Church during the 1970s and 1980s as a result of the “Spirit of Vatican II.” Q2 would contain evidence that disordered sexual practices and preferences, as well as a philosophical alignment with “liberation theology,” were the primary criteria not only for admission into Seminary but for all parish assignments, and that this environment was conditioned by the desires of Pilarczyk himself. Q2, however, might still be missing the proverbial smoking gun.

Finally, there are the rather brazen Q3 anecdotes, which come to us from the period of the culture war and the pride of “coming out,” and which reflect confidence in the superiority and ultimate victory of homosexuality over the Judeo-Christian moral code in a final ecstatic catharsis of blazing sexual glory. Q3 material would not only confirm the suspicions generated by Q1 and Q2, but provide free-standing evidence of homosexual orientation.

As to procedural method, the Pilarczyk Seminar will conduct all its deliberations in public. Decisions on the significance and import of each passage of text under consideration will be arrived at by voting, using the following system of colored beads:

Hot pink: “Pilarczyk is undoubtedly gay;”

Fuchsia: “Pilarczyk is probably gay;”

Lavender: “Pilarczyk may be gay because he is highly sympathetic to gays;”

Puce: “Pilarczyk may not be gay but is the victim of jealous rumor and innuendo.”

Finally, our reconstruction of Daniel Pilarczyk will pose critical questions based on our determination of his sexuality. For example, was he really a Roman Catholic archbishop faithful to the teachings of the Magisterium, or was he an itinerant Eastern European sexual shaman who went about initiating underage young men into his scrofulous cultus? Did his written opus really affirm Catholic dogma, or was it an esoteric system of hidden themes and code words containing keys to his sexual gospel?

The Pilarczyk Seminar eagerly anticipates funding from The Flying Buttress Foundation so that we may begin our rigorous process of discovery.”

Miscellanea CATHOLICA

+The New Stage Collective Theater in Cincinnati will present the blasphemous “Jerry Springer: The Opera” from June 26 to August 3. We request that you send an e-mail protest to The disgusting details of this piece of garbage have been compiled by the Catholic League here.

+This same theater has just completed a production of “Bug,” which featured a Content Advisory, according to the theater’s website, of “Mature Themes/Full Nudity.” This show was sponsored by Dr. Robert J. Theirauf, Professor Emeritus at Xavier University. Those Jesuit achievements just keep on rolling in.

+“Spirit of Vatican II” Department: the Diocese of Toledo, on its webpage for Our Lady Queen of the Most Holy Rosary Cathedral, an extraordinarily beautiful church, boasts the following:

“The Cathedral, a masterpiece of art and a monument of immigrant faith, most recently experienced a new birth as the mother church of Toledo in its renewal and renovation according to the directives of the Second Vatican Council. In 1979, Bishop John Donovan, our fifth shepherd, re-dedicated the altar (now brought forward to the people)...”

The Flying Buttress hereby invites the Diocese of Toledo to cite the Vatican II document, chapter and verse, which includes directives for moving altars or any other architectural changes. We will be happy to publish your response. Our response is below.

+Debunking the myth that Vatican II called for any architectural changes.


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