The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Saturday, March 22, 2008

All You Need Is...

+The Roamin’ Homosexual Catholic Church in America (RHCCIA), reaching for a level of sophistication previously unheard of amongst liberals and progressives, has given an official name to its doctrine of salvation through liberation.

+Taking their cue from the famous policy of “Ostpolitik” that has swept through the Church since Vatican II, the five Extraordinary Presiders (Mahony, Niederauer, Wuerl, Flynn and Pilarczyk) have named their doctrine “Ostseelenheil,” that is, “Ost-salvation.”

+As you might guess, since “Ostpolitik” requires rapprochement, negotiation and compromise with the enemy rather than condemnation and stout resistance, “Ostseelenheil” involves a similar approach to the traditional obstacle to salvation: sin.

+In order to report to our readers how Ostseelenheil might work during Confession (as well as to satisfy our own idle curiosity), we sent one of our Secret Shopper Sinners to an RHCCIA Reconciliation Suite for a first-hand look:

“I stepped through the door and was greeted by the pleasant tinkling of a silver bell that hung from the doorknob. Apparently this was to alert the priest to my presence, since he was in the kitchenette. He called out, ‘Who’s there?’ ‘I’m here for Confession,’ I replied. ‘Oh! Well just a moment then,’ he assured me. ‘Let me finish making this latte and I’ll be right with you!’

While I waited I looked around the front room, which was comfortably furnished with a top grain black leather sectional sofa, dark cherry coffee table with antique burnished gold accents, and rose burgundy brushed velour armchairs. I noticed several posters on the dark jade walls, featuring a large Michael Jackson ‘We Are the World’ print surrounded by smaller portraits of Teilhard de Chardin, Annibale Bugnini, Che Guevara, Chairman Mao, and Joseph Bernardin. The quiet but insistent thump of techno-music came from a Bose radio in a corner of the room, only partially muffled by the velvety even cut pile of the plush cream carpet.

Finally the priest came in with his latte, and apologized. ‘How rude of me – I should have asked if you’d like one! Mocha with caramel sound good?’ When I declined, he motioned me to the couch and said ‘So! What can I do ya for?’

‘Bless me father, for I have sinned.’

‘Oh yes, that! Well first off, young man, let’s eliminate this unnecessary distance between us – please call me brother, not father. Now second, what makes you think you’ve sinned? That exhibits a rather extreme lack of self-esteem, don’t you think? Have you got post-sin traumatic guilt disorder?’

‘I don’t think so, fath – uh, brother, but doesn’t the Church teach us not to look at women with lustful eyes?’

‘You’re looking at women? Tsk, tsk, how unfortunate! Are you sure you’re in the right church? Well – chacun a son goo! Anyhoo, let me suggest this: has it ever occurred to you that women enjoy being looked at?’

‘No, not really, I mean, I hadn’t really noticed.’

‘And by looking at them and appreciating their beauty, aren’t you fulfilling their desires?’

‘Gee, I never thought of it that way...’

‘Gotcha! Explain this to me, then: how could you be sinning when you’re contributing to the self-esteem of your neighbor? BTW, this latte is to die for! Sure you don’t want one?’

‘ thanks.....’

‘See, you’re just turned all upside down and bass-ackwards! Tell you what: I think the real problem is not your perception of women: it’s your perception of yourself and your perception of sin!’


‘Of course! Here you are performing an act of charity, a corporal and spiritual act of mercy all rolled into one, but you think you’re doing something terrible! Why are you carrying around all this guilt, my friend? Just let it go – give in to your feelings, don’t resist them! God understands!’

‘He does?’

‘Yes, yes, silly – God is love, remember? And does love judge and punish? Does love limit? Does love exclude and refuse to embrace? Can we talk Sermon on the Mount here? Oh! Don’t get me started!’


‘Now look: the next time you start to think you’re sinning, embody this ‘sin’ so you can separate yourself from it, and have a dialogue with it. Talk to it, ask it why it’s being so harsh, ask what it is doing to change so it can understand your point of view! Get it?’

‘I’m not sure – can you give me an example?’

‘OK, imagine an attractive woman walks by: your eyes pop right out of your head, and you say to yourself “Wow!! Look at that!” Then you fall into that old trap and think “Uh-oh, I just sinned.”’

‘Then what?’

‘Then here’s where that dialogue comes in: you have to establish a relationship with this false sense of sin, see? Find out what makes it tick, learn what its principles are, try to understand why it wants to condemn you. And once you have this relationship and reach a common ground, you can move forward together with your perceptions, and everything will be smooth! Instead of being your enemy, sin will be your friend! After all, we can’t have any enemies in the new civilization of love, can we? Now do you get it?’

‘Well, I think so. And thank you for your counsel, uh, brother, but I really should be going. Do you want me to do any penance?’

‘Ab-so-toot-ly! As penance for condemning yourself, I want you to memorize this Act of Affirmation, take it to heart, and recite it every day:

“I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am attractive person. I am fun to be with. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."'

Miscellanea CATHOLICA

+Blogger “Athanasius” understands that ecumenism, in its post-Conciliar sense, is nothing more than a vain and futile attempt to simultaneously deceive both sides of an irreconcilable equation: good and evil, truth and falsehood, and Catholic and non-Catholic: (scroll down to 2/12)

+Episodes 1 and 2 of "Silencing the Christians" are now on-line.


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