Keeping Up With the Funeses

+Not wishing to be eclipsed by the Vatican Observatory's endorsement of the possibility of other forms of life in the universe, the Director of the Vatican‘s newly formed Institute for the Study of Karma and Dharma, at Parma, today issued a statement outlining the Church’s latest position on the doctrines and practices of occultism.

+Speaking to a group of journalists gathered with him around his crystal ball, Father Giovanni della Piccolo Bologna, SJ, also known as the Vatican’s Chief Sorcerer, indicated his openness to the idea that assorted new age beliefs were entirely compatible with Roman Catholicism.

“Since it is the duty of the Church to consecrate the mundane to the Kingship of Christ,” said Fr. Bologna, “must it not also be our duty as well to consecrate the ultramundane?”

+When Flying Buttress new age correspondent Saul Invictus pointed out that the term “ultramundane” might be unfamiliar to the Church at large, Father explained that these are the forces and energies that reside within the hidden planes of existence, yet which can have a palpable effect on our daily physical lives when invoked.

“We of the Church,” added Father, “always keeping our windows and doors open to the fresh air of modern times, cannot but consider that the invocation of hidden forces stems from an instinctive desire to ameliorate the suffering of humanity. The Church must find common ground with this desire, and give it her blessing; to fail to do so would be to put false and artificial limits on our universal salvific mission!”

+After distributing a gift set of chakra-balancing crystals to each reporter, giving individual Tarot readings, and exchanging secret handshakes all around, Fr. Bologna handed out a copy of a brief official statement, which read as follows:

“By positioning itself to bridge the gap between the Church and the occult, our Institute has boldly staked out a territory where few have ventured before us. The ancient Mystery Religions are an invaluable part of the heritage and dignity of the human race, and those who practice these arts must be considered our brothers and sisters.

What could better illustrate this deep bond than the scientific finding that praying Franciscan monks and magicians chanting spells generate similar brain scans?

Furthermore, in holding to that spiritual quest which defines the Church, let us also recognize that this same quest, in its search for understanding of the worlds around and within us, makes use of tools historically condemned by the Church, such as telepathy, clairvoyance, divination and telekenesis. This condemnation has caused deep fissures among mankind, and we wish to heal these wounds of incomprehension.

Dare we say it, that our Holy Father is the Vicar, not only of the Church, but of all beliefs? Let us then, as we acknowledge the legitimacy of the hidden sciences, apply the principle of ecumenism inaugurated at Vatican II. Let us give a new name to our audacious pursuit of unity: we hereby christen it “ecu-esotericism.”

+Unfortunately, Father Bologna was forced to end his audience rather abruptly, when a strange pinkish ectoplasm was observed inexplicably seeping from his nostrils. The Flying Buttress will of course report any new developments to this story...

Miscellanea CATHOLICA

+If you believe you have had a paranormal experience or a brush with the occult, the researchers at Fr. Bologna’s Institute would like to investigate your case. You may contact them here. (click on “English”)