The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Sunday, October 16, 2005

The Flying Buttress, 2/17/05

The Flying Buttress

+Dissecting dissent in the Cincinnati Archdiocese+

February 17, 2005 A.D. The “Fruits” of the “Future Church” Movement

+MT. WASHINGTON (AP) In a bold move that shocked what remains of the civilized world, Michael Jackson announced today his plans to enter Mt. St. Mary’s Seminary in Cincinnati to become a candidate for the priesthood.

+While cynics claimed that Jackson had merely found a clever way to escape prosecution and imprisonment for his sex crimes against minors, others reacted more positively to the news. Archdiocesan officials, for example, insisted that the approval of Michael’s application was merely a logical extension of their nonjudgmental “don’t ask don’t tell” policy regarding gays in the seminary.

+Standing beside Jackson and his attorney Bram Stoker at the press room podium at 100 E. 8th St., Archbishop Daniel E. Pilarczyk and Auxiliary Bishop Carl Moeddel beamed before the cameras as they made the joint announcement.

+MSM Rector Father Ed Smith was mysteriously absent, causing speculation that he was forced to the restroom with severe stomach cramps.

+Here are some excerpts from Pilarczyk’s press release:

“Today we welcome Michael Jackson as a first-year seminarian in Cincinnati. While Michael’s acceptance may seem controversial to some, to us it appeared to be an ideal fit for this Archdiocese. We have long looked for ways to develop more diversity among our seminarians, as well as to express our solidarity with our gay brothers and sisters who have been condemned and marginalized by the teachings of the Church.

In our opinion, the extensive publicity generated by Michael’s career change will also relieve the severe priest shortage in this Archdiocese. When a celebrity abandons fame and fortune to embark upon a life of humble service to the oppressed, this sets a wonderful example and inspires others to do likewise.

Michael’s experience with lighting candles, wearing loose robes and lots of makeup, and establishing close working relationships with children makes him an excellent prospect for serving the laity of this Archdiocese well into the future. In addition, his expertise in moonwalking will add a compelling dimension to our innovative liturgical dance initiative. We wish him well and look forward to working closely with him throughout his preparation for the priesthood.”

+In a related development, The Flying Buttress has learned that Jackson will be assigned a mentor while at the Seminary: sex offender and fugitive priest Father David Kelley.

The Flying Buttress Archaeology Dep’t.

+As a public service to our readers, The Flying Buttress will from time to time unearth and analyze forgotten relics from the ruins of liberalism, in order to further our understanding of the late 20th century and the decline of Western Civilization. This week, to facilitate the interpretation of dissent-speak - an obscure dialect rooted in a dead language known as Marxist Gibberish - we offer several annotated entries from the “Dissenter’s Dictionary” (Lucifer Press, 1963):

Word or Phrase

Ostensibly meant…

Actually meant…


To recognize and respect others' beliefs, practices, or behaviors without necessarily agreeing or sympathizing with them. “Live and let live.”

Forcible respect for and acceptance of others’ beliefs, practices or behaviors, no matter how deviant or disordered, as equal to one’s own. All values and truths are relative and therefore equal. First key to anarchy: relativism.


Understanding, celebrating and nurturing the uniqueness of each person’s ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, disability, or belief system.

Individual or group characteristics are greater than or equal in value to social cohesion. Cohesive society replaced by a checkerboard of individual and special interest cultures. Second key to anarchy: destroy coherent social identity.


To welcome persons with behaviors, characteristics, or beliefs which radically differ from the prevailing cultural paradigm.

To alter the prevailing cultural paradigm so that it embraces behaviors, characteristics, or beliefs which were previously rejected. Third key to anarchy: destroy social order.


Freedom, or setting oneself free from legal, social or economic oppression.

Revelry in and enslavement to the basest and most self-indulgent instincts of mankind, which are now seen as the keys to redemption and salvation. Fourth key to anarchy: legitimize disorder, decadence and barbarism.

(Editor’s note: for deeper insight into “liberation,” meditate on the parable of Pleasure Island in Pinocchio.)

Defaced Federal currency courtesy of the CF Kane Legal Tender Museum.

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M a y t h e L o r d B l e s s Y o u a n d K e e p Y o u

Disclaimer: This publication is a work of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." To unsubscribe, simply reply with the words "No thanks - I prefer to keep my head in the sand until the ‘Spirit of Vatican II’ has completely destroyed the Church" somewhere in the body of the message.


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