The Flying Buttress, 4/18/05

The Flying Buttress

+Dissecting dissent in the Cincinnati Archdiocese+

April 18, 2005 A.D. Inside the Papal Conclave: An Unexpected Turn of Events

+The Flying Buttress has learned that a coalition of leftist progressives is furiously promoting their own slate of liberal Cardinals, behind the scenes, to succeed John Paul II. Calling itself “Divine Revelation is Inappropriate Patriarchalism" (DRIP), the coalition includes the Jesus Seminar, FutureChurch, Voice of the Faithful, SNAP, and the Left-Wing Brain Trust of the Cincinnati Archdiocese. DRIP’s liberal candidates have become known as “Pope-arazzi," or, “those worthy of further secularizing and dismantling the Church."

+This unexpected and gratuitous intrusion into the secret Papal Conclave – and flagrant violation of the Apostolic Constitution Universi Dominici Gregis - has created quite a stir at the Vatican, which has nonetheless remained tight-lipped about the identity of these liberal Cardinals.

+The Buttress, as you might expect, has obtained an authoritative list, intercepted from the flurry of DRIP e-mails and faxes pouring into the Vatican. As a courtesy to our well-informed readers and continued fidelity to our motto (“We satirize, you decide"), we present this liberal slate and what you might expect from each candidate if elected Pope:

Christoph Sebastian Stillborn

A 68 year old Archbishop of Austria and native of Salzburg, Stillborn speaks several languages and is known for his suave diplomacy. His reputed membership in the same Masonic Lodge that once included the likes of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart has boosted his stature immensely among heavy hitters in the European Community (EC). Stillborn is known to favor the acceptance of abortion, the complete elimination of all liturgy, and the democratic election of Church Hierarchy by laity, which he will then, as Pope, decentralize to give more power to the bishops’ conferences and their rebellious bishops. When asked about a possible conflict of interest between his position as Pope and Masonic occultism and secret anti-Catholic teachings, Stillborn refused to comment, citing Masonic oaths whose violation could result in excruciating torture or death.

Antoine Scoliosis Avon-Odor

This 64 year old patriarch of Belgium is best known for his progressive views on homosexuality, including his approval of sincere, faithful and committed homosexual civil unions. While the rest of his ideological track record has received less attention, it also conforms to the liberal platform, especially on issues such as ending celibacy for priests, the ordination of women, and the legitimization of assisted suicide. Unfortunately, the Cardinal’s severe back problem may hinder his prospects for election. Cardinal Scoliosis Avon-Odor reportedly suffers from a deformed spine, caused by an excess of bending over (backwards, that is, to avoid giving offense). Finally, the Belgian is known to waffle on the use of contraceptives.

Bacchanale Testaverde

Cardinal Testaverde is allegedly the leading Italian candidate. His commitment to Marxist principles of social and economic justice has earned him high marks among liberals, and he reportedly favors the sale of the Holy See to the World Bank in order to donate the proceeds to poor Third World countries and tsunami victims. Testaverde may welcome a change of name as Pontiff, since his name means “green head." This Cardinal is also known as somewhat of a party animal, and he can often be seen frequenting singles bars and discos in the wee small hours of the morning. He is thus admired as the prototypical hip modern clergyman.

Anwar Hummus

This Cardinal of Lebanese descent favors the re-writing of the New Testament. This book, he claims, is merely inaccurately transmitted oral tradition heavily embellished by mythic elements, and must be adapted to accommodate the beliefs of all other religions. He also supports the elimination of Christmas and Easter in favor of pan-religious holidays such as the Wiccan Sabbat of Yule. This makes him an important figure in the movement to establish a geo-religious détente with the growing power of Islam, as well as a key player in interreligious dialogue. Cardinal Hummus has also reportedly been quite active in the movement to remake Fatima into an Interfaith Shrine.

Hercule Perrier

Educated by Jesuits, Parisian Cardinal Perrier has publicly embraced the eastern Doctrine of Reincarnation, and believes himself to be the reincarnation of Pope Benedict IX. Perrier is known to prefer reading from “The Book of Miracles" rather than from the Bible. He makes frequent use of crystals during Mass to contact spirit guides and to align the chakras, and advocates the power of liturgical dance (as well as certain types of incense) to facilitate astral travel and other out of body experiences. Perrier believes that the Conclave has little choice but to discern his primacy, since the White Brotherhood of Ascended Masters has already decreed his election. However, DRIP has reportedly shipped him a quantity of potent hallucinogens for use in the Conclave’s supply of bottled water, just in case.

An Inquisitor’s Prayer

Lord Jesus, may those who abuse and disgrace their holy offices in the Cincinnati Archdiocese step down. May the spotless name, the sacred power, and the radiant influence of the Church be restored in Cincinnati. Never let me confuse my disdain for those who dishonor the office with the office itself. If there is a better way to expose wickedness and degeneracy, have mercy upon me and open my eyes to it. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Send your Conclave scuttlebutt to: tomasthetorque@pngusa.net

M a y t h e L o r d B l e s s Y o u a n d K e e p Y o u

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