The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Sunday, October 16, 2005

The Flying Buttress, 4/25/05

The Flying Buttress

+Dissecting dissent in the Cincinnati Archdiocese+

April 25, 2005 A.D. Tales of Social Justice: from Robbin’s ‘Hood

+We take you back to the days of yesteryear, when Fr. Robbin’ Hood, SJ, and his band of gay (that is, merry) Jesuits roamed the countryside, stealing from the middle class and giving to the government.

+Equipped only with boom boxes blaring the new age music of Yanni, they emerged from the woods without warning, setting upon their victims with cries of “may economic and social justice be upon you!" and “hail to the consistent ethic of life!"

+The dis-Loyolas, as they were also known, funneled billions of hard-earned dollars into the hands of government bureaucrats, social service agency workers, and abortion clinic fetus facilitators, who allegedly redistributed their booty to the poor, the needy, and those in desperate need of exercising their reproductive rights. Persistent rumors surfaced, however, that these illicit funds were used mostly for in-house salaries and benefits, professional development, travel expenses, new computers, hand-held PDAs, digital cameras, cell phones, multifunction laser printers, PowerPoint projectors, and office supplies.

+To promote egalitarianism, each dis-Loyola was clad in a seamless garment of cardinal red, and bore the same rank and name: Corporal Works. However, their leader, Father Hood, was bestowed with the distinctive title “Your Sincere, Faithful and Committed-ness." While this power structure lent itself to occasionally confusing and cumbersome conversation, it seemed to satisfy the messianic zeal of the band members. An air of mystery and comradeship was also achieved through the use of a vernacular dialect, Jebbonics, which mimicked the language of faith, but which usually meant something radically different.

+As a sign of the band’s compassion and social conscience, each victim, while being stripped of his dignity and his possessions, would receive an apology read from a business card, as follows:

· You have the right to define yourself as oppressed;

· Anything you say can and will be used against the Church and Judeo-Christian civilization;

· You have the right to talk to a presider and have him (or her) concelebrate with you while you are being liberated;

· If you cannot afford to hire a presider, a band member will be appointed to help you explore your sexuality, if you wish to;

· If you decide to make a statement, it must express the authenticity of your sexual orientation, ethnicity, economic status, religious creed, or previous incarnations, without offending others who display different but equally authentic characteristics.

+Fr. Robbin’ eventually published a book, “The Rhine Flows into the Toilet," to record the compelling teachings of his band for posterity. In Cincinnati, the dis-Loyolas even established their own institution of higher learning, Xavier University, from whence their influence spread far and wide. Their motto was particularly popular: “SJ = Social Justice."

+Curiously enough, the social teachings of the dis-Loyolas seem to have had no effect on personnel policies at the Cincinnati Archdiocese, even though the Archdiocese continually mouthed lofty dis-Loyolan, pro-worker principles. For example:

  • Within the last 20 years, several employees have been fired for attempted union organizing;
  • The Archdiocese escapes the mandates of the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) by decreeing that each parish be its own employer. Since most parishes employ fewer than 50 people, the threshold for FMLA statutes to take effect, the Archdiocese does not have to provide FMLA benefits to most of its employees;
  • Catholic school teachers are only given year-to-year contracts, and principals are formally trained to provide no reason when a contract is not renewed. This prevents the teacher from being able to sue.

An Inquisitor’s Prayer

Lord Jesus, may those who abuse and disgrace their holy offices in the Cincinnati Archdiocese step down. May the spotless name, the sacred power, and the radiant influence of the Church be restored in Cincinnati. Never let me confuse my disdain for those who dishonor the office with the office itself. If there is a better way to expose wickedness and degeneracy, have mercy upon me and open my eyes to it. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Send your merry tales to:

M a y t h e L o r d B l e s s Y o u a n d K e e p Y o u

Disclaimer: This publication is a work of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." To unsubscribe, simply reply with the words "No thanks - I prefer to keep my head in the sand until the ‘Spirit of Vatican II’ has completely destroyed the Church" somewhere in the body of the message.


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