The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Sunday, October 16, 2005

The Flying Buttress, 3/10/05

The Flying Buttress

+Dissecting dissent in the Cincinnati Archdiocese+

March 10, 2005 A.D. Student Life at McAuley High School

+Cincinnati’s airwaves are still buzzing with the news of McAuley High School’s lesbian support group. Had talk show host Bill Cunningham been paying closer attention to The Buttress (2/3/05), he could have spared himself mucho indignation over this latest example of behind-the-scenes cultivation of homosexuality by the Left Wing Brain Trust of the Cincinnati Archdiocese. At the very least, this lesbian group adds a new dimension to the name of the order which sponsors the school, the Religious “Sisters” of Mercy.

+The Buttress - which, despite its limited payroll, employs secret agents and other nefarious types from all walks of life to do its dirty work - has obtained a copy of a poster taped to a classroom wall (over the crucifix) during support group meetings. We thought you might like to see it:

The Lesbian Manifesto

* Sisters must never surrender or grow weary in the battle against homophobia, heterosexism, or the institutionalized binary gender system.

* Conservative Christians, whether Catholic or Protestant, are the enemy. They stand between all sisters and the fulfillment of our sexual potential. Liberal Christians must be employed as allies to outflank, dilute and undermine conservative power.

* We must be especially vigilant against all manifestations of orthodox Roman Catholicism, Western Civilization-ism, traditional family-ism, common decency-ism, and, most of all, sanity-ism.

* All institutions which perpetrate patriarchal hegemony must be destroyed, preferably from within, by compassionate-sounding initiatives like “support groups.” If from without, destruction must be based on “human rights.”

* Every sister has the exclusive right to define her identity, as long as it is an angry response to oppression by an approved “-ism.”

* Every transgendered sister has the exclusive right to make decisions regarding her own body, even though she might not know which kind of body she has.

* Our gender is not required to be identical to our physiological sex. In cases of multiple genders and/or physiological sexes inhabiting the same body, we reserve the right to alter productions of “The Vagina Monologues” to “The Vagina Dialogues.”

* There can be no emancipation of sisters without the emancipation of children. Girls must be recruited at an early age to intercept and erase heterosexist definitions of their sexuality, and to prevent their imprisonment in families by parents exercising oppressive power relationships.

* Two excellent sources of recruitment are (1) the Brownies and Girl Scouts, and (2) Catholic girls’ schools.

* Sisters shall use, at all times, inclusive, non-gender specific language that does not assume heterosexuality in others. For example, “How are you today, traditional-female-appearing person?”

* Sisters shall refuse to tolerate anti-lesbian, -gay, or -bisexual comments, attitudes, remarks or jokes. We shall show our solidarity with teachers and counselors who gleefully deconstruct both traditional sexist roles and the oppressive bourgeois philosophies of dead white males.

* Sisters shall have the right to marry or partner with other sisters, and have all the social blessings of heterosexual marriage conferred upon them, esp. “open marriages.”

* Sisters shall disguise their contempt for males by respectfully referring to them as “sperm-producing oppressors.”

NOTE: McAuley High School’s Lesbian Support Group is accredited by the North Central Association of Gays and Lesbians, the Ohio Catholic School Accrediting Association for Disorder With Dignity, and the State of Ohio.

An Inquisitor’s Prayer

Lord Jesus, may those who abuse and disgrace their holy offices in the Cincinnati Archdiocese step down. May the spotless name, the sacred power, and the radiant influence of the Church be restored in Cincinnati. Never let me confuse my disdain for those who dishonor the office with the office itself. If there is a better way to expose wickedness and degeneracy, have mercy upon me and open my eyes to it. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

For minutes of support group meetings:

M a y t h e L o r d B l e s s Y o u a n d K e e p Y o u

Disclaimer: This publication is a work of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." To unsubscribe, simply reply with the words "No thanks - I prefer to keep my head in the sand until the ‘Spirit of Vatican II’ has completely destroyed the Church" somewhere in the body of the message.


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