The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Friday, April 03, 2009

The Tapeworm Letters, #10

“My dear Hollywood,
  • When you find yourself mystified by a public policy position of our little network, and its mouthpiece the USCCB, it is helpful to recall this principle: someone offstage has prepared the script. Those in the public eye, either our willing or unwitting allies and dupes, are just reading it.
  • So it is with the subject of your latest inquiry, our position on illegal immigration (or, as we have christened it, “immigration reform”). Two names should suffice to set those bloodhound research instincts of yours in motion. The first: Bella Dodd, and more specifically, her testimony in 1953-54 before the House Un-American Activities Committee regarding the Communist Party’s infiltration of the Church.
  • And the second? Saul Alinksy, socialist community organizer par excellence, whose life was dedicated to the acquisition of power for the “marginalized,” a Machiavellian anti-Machiavellian, if you will. Or course, as per our usual arrangement, you will never see either of these names exposed to the public as clues to the source of our policy. What you will see instead are certain stock words and phrases which attempt to portray the illegals as victims with a just cause, such as “human dignity,” “earned legalization,” “immigrant community,” and “compassion.” As you know, one of our oft-used, tried-and-true techniques is to coat the bitter pill in a deceptive outer layer: something sweet, something noble, something which tugs at the heartstrings, something which begets guilt!
  • But what is that bitter pill? My dear boy, once again I remind you that it is the intent of our hidden benefactors to destroy the American self-image, the American identity, the cohesiveness and integrity of American culture (along with the rest of western civilization), so that, having been brought low by a steadily progressing internal disintegration and corruption, this nation may take its place in our Brave New World.
  • And the deceptive outer coating? Oh, the humanity, the suffering, the anxiety of these poor folk! Oh, their willingness to take their lawful place in American society, if only they knew how! Oh, the service they render to our economy! Oh, the price they pay – not to mention the taxes!
  • Oh, what knee-slapping anarchist entertainment!
  • But two caveats accompany my counsel. First, it is my own preference to studiously avoid the company of these New World-ers (though scrupulously obeying their wishes), as I sense their promotion of our way of life is completely expedient, making you and I ultimately expendable. Second, they are, to put it kindly, rather one-dimensional to the point of crudity in their obsession with “revolution.” Give me a few arias from Gounod’s Faust and a glass of 2005 Chardonnay Grand Reserve, and away with their scheming sleepless nights!
  • Moreover, they have a tendency to make use of allies and dupes who are not at all well-endowed with the skills that you so nobly possess – so deficient, in fact, that their maladroit efforts are prone to backfire. I refer you, for example, to that ham-fisted attempt at a sound bite from Tommy Wenski, who, as he concludes that illegals are not breaking the law but are being broken by it, so transparently turns reason on its head as to make the whole effort laughable! Poor Tommy should be writing commercials for GEICO, not playing Saul Alinksy on behalf of the Mexicans!
  • Yet all is not lost, for our brethren always find a way to outweigh the clumsy with the slick, particularly through the deceptive manipulation of statistics. Especially subtle are our citations of taxes paid, crime rates, net benefit to the economy, and the healthcare burden. I will not insult your intelligence, my fine friend, by explaining to you how each of these citations utterly fails to counter the myth to which it is purportedly addressed – I am quite confident you can decipher that mystery at your own leisure. In fact, for your own good, I insist on it!
Your affectionate shepherd TAPEWORM”
  • Miscellanea Catholica
  • “The Communists learned that the clergymen under their control served as a useful “respectable face” for most of their front activities. In this way the name of religion was used to spearhead the odious plots hatched by the agents of anti-religious Soviet communism.” Manning Johnson, testimony before The Committee on Un-American Activities House of Representatives, 83rd Congress, First Session July 7 and 8, and July 13 and 14, 1953.
  • Welcome to the tribe, Newt.
  • Here is one of the behaviors necessary to maintain the hegemony of “official versions.”
  • The Golden Age of American Innocence

Thursday, April 02, 2009

The Tapeworm Letters, #9

“My dear Hollywood,
  • There comes a time in the life of all men who aspire, as we do, to greatness, when the most delicate of subjects must be broached. In our case, this delicacy is rendered even more complex by the nature of our relationship. Yet we shall confront it together, without qualms, for the good of our brotherhood.
  • I have noticed your repeated laudatory references to one of your altar boys, and I cannot help but conclude that you have rather favorable designs on him. I have faced this with a countenance befitting my position - that is, with a certain stoic resignation, albeit tinged with jealousy. In light of the unfortunate events of recent years, what is most urgent for you, my friend, is to avoid scandal, to bide your time until the lad reaches legal manhood. But “biding time” is by no means a passive occupation. Gutta cavat lapidem non vi sed saepe cadendo!
  • The position in which you find yourself is analogous to a subplot involving two characters in that popular yet completely puerile cinema series “Star Wars,” whose paper mâche heroism you no doubt took in as a youth. I refer to the seduction of Anakin Skywalker to the dark side of the Force (dark side, indeed!) by the Emperor Palpatine, aka Darth Sidious – which, though hopelessly clumsy in portrayal, did employ valid psychology. Therefore, in your developing relationship with the boy, you will assume the role of the Emperor, while the boy plays – albeit unknowingly - the part of Anakin.
  • Your first and most productive tool, which was the very key to the Emperor’s success, is the careful use of flattery to induce him to rely on you for counsel. You will however studiously avoid compliments directed to his physical qualities, no matter how inspiring and admirable they may be. No, focus on his character and his intellect, his talents, his achievements in school or in sports, his devotion to his duties as a server.
  • Ideally you will hit upon something at which he excels, yet which you suspect may compromise him at some point in the future, and cause him great frustration or even agony. For example, is he an outstanding football player, yet finds himself benched in favor of another, whose father has contributed more to the Booster’s Club? Does he bring home excellent grades that are met with utter indifference by his parents? Is he fatally attracted to some winsome young thing who just happens to have serious character flaws and numerous bad habits?
  • Only after you have gained his confidence with your posture of understanding and support –a process which may take a year or two – can you begin to initiate the emotional intimacy that prepares the real relationship. That intimacy allows both of you to be vulnerable – a vulnerability which in turn opens the door to a discussion of certain of your friends (real or fictitious) who have certain habits, and which will ultimately culminate in your own confession. A tearful confession, perhaps?
  • In closing, my dear boy, I do not envy you this arduous courtship, but I perceive that you relish the challenge of recruitment and, of course, la chasse! I once felt as you do, but the maturity of years has cooled somewhat my sense of adventure, and I prefer to remain within our little network. Such self-imposed restrictions do, after all, provide me with a reasonable sense of fidelity…
Your affectionate Shepherd TAPEWORM”
Miscellanea Catholica +Father Zuhlsdorf offers a special prayer of mortification to bear some of our Holy Father’s suffering regarding the developing schism over the SSPX reconciliation. Miscellanea Americana +Swingin' the Alphabet +Who's On First? +The Mirror Scene +The $99,000 Answer: Part I Part II Part III +Jack and Groucho +Do You Trust Your Wife?