The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Sunday, November 26, 2006

The Legacy of Liberation Continues

+Thanks to the yeoman efforts of a group of faithful Catholic parents in Dayton, Ohio, CRYSM (“Catholics Respecting Youth in Sexual Minorities”), the notorious “support group” for gay high school students in the Cincinnati Archdiocese, was suspended this summer. +The Archdiocese ostensibly suspended CRYSM because it generated too many questions from concerned Catholics. But, rather than cede an iota of ground to orthodox reactionaries, Auxiliary Bishop Carl Moeddel, following the cherished example of Vladimir Lenin (“One step backward, two steps forward”) has decided to sponsor a new support group. This one is for youth who, since they have rejected Christ, are spiritually dead. The name of this new group is CHAASM: Catholics Honoring Atheists and Spiritual Minorities.

+The Flying Buttress has obtained a rather drab and verbose flyer which, we understand, is to be circulated among Archdiocesan high schools to drum up interest in this new group. We thought our readers would find it quite instructive:



CHAASM exists because there are high school age young people who are hassled, harassed, discriminated against – and even buried - because of their (real or suspected) spiritual orientation. They deserve dignity, respect and acceptance as those who are created in God’s image, but who reject God unequivocally. Members of CHAASM work to make acceptance of youth in spiritual minorities – the true culture of death - a reality in our parishes and schools.


All spiritually dead people deserve respect, basic rights and a safe graveyard environment, regardless of their spiritual orientation. Catholics Honoring Atheists and Spiritual Minorities (CHAASM), a program of the Archdiocese of Cincinnati Catholic Ministry with the Living Dead, exists to advocate for respect, basic rights and a safe environment for youth in spiritual minorities through torpid action, lifeless education and inert support.


CHAASM is for teenagers who want to make death their life. It’s for teenagers who need to be propped up, and who want to give props. It’s for teenagers who are tired of seeing their friends harassed, and want to see justice done. It’s for teenage atheists, and their mortified friends and allies.


  • We share our “coming out of the casket” stories;
  • We engage in fun consciousness-lowering exercises;
  • We plan community events like “Dead Pride Day”;
  • We read and discuss supportive books, like “The Overhauling of Living America”;
  • We advocate for social causes, like civil unions for the dead;
  • We seek recognition in our high school calendars, by the establishment of a true “dead week” before exams;
  • We advocate for change within the Church, like death-inclusive or death-neutral language, and the ordination of the spiritually dead.


  • You can be your honest dead self without worrying about pretending to be alive;
  • There’s no spiritual orientation “litmus test” – no one will take your spiritual pulse, or judge you if you don’t have one;
  • You need not fear discrimination on the basis of spiritual orientation, or any other form of deadophobia; being dead is no more wrong than being left-handed;
  • We seek no mere “necropolis on the hill,” but a true community of mutual comatose acceptance.


  • Want to share personal stories of harassment by the living and its effects on the lives of the living dead;
  • Want to learn more about CHAASM;
  • Are a life-questioning or life-doubting teen;
  • Are an ally, and want to meet other allies of the living dead to form dead-alive alliances;
  • Want to make a deadening difference in your community, your school and your parish.

NOTICE: The Archdiocese of Cincinnati is an Equal Opportunity Employer, and will not discriminate on the basis of race, color, religion, national origin, sex, age, ancestry, physical handicap or spiritual orientation in its activities, programs, support groups or employment practices.

Miscellanea CATHOLICA

+ Bishop Fabian Bruskewitz on the Lavender Mafia fraud “Always Our Children,” the document used as the basis for CRYSM. Bishop Bruskewitz, we look forward to your analysis of the latest Lavender Mafia fraud, which is even worse.

+In a dazzling display of self-serving obfuscation, 10 French bishops from the dioceses of Besancon, Strasbourg and Metz expressed their concerns over the approaching universal indult for the 1962 Missal.

>“The bishops are afraid that the generalization of the Roman missal of 1962 would attenuate the guidelines of Vatican Council II. Such a decision would also risk endangering the unity among the priests, and among the faithful as well,” they said.

>Apparently Their Excellencies have forgotten that Vatican II did not call for a new rite of Mass, but affirmed the entire rich and sacred treasury of Catholicism. Therefore, what is to be “attenuated” by a wider use of the traditional Mass? The deadly relativism which itself has attenuated the Church since 1970? And how ironic that the last time the Church displayed any unity was when the 1962 Missal was still the norm…

Saturday, November 25, 2006

A Special Guided Meditation

+While the American bishops are having a gay old time in Baltimore this week, deciding how to cater – er, uh, minister to – homosexuals, back here on the Cincinnati home front, we’re still trying to do something about a man who has made a career out of catering – er, uh, ministering to them.

+Since Call to Action and their fellow travelers keep touting the empowering experience of guided meditation, we thought we’d try one of our own. The purpose of this exercise is for clergy and laity to envision a peaceful and expeditious early retirement for Archbishop Daniel E. Pilarczyk.

+Our meditation will place you directly into His Excellency’s office. We ask you to envision this scene: the Archbishop has just received, unexpectedly, his retirement notice from the Holy Father. You are in the role of the Archbishop, reading the letter, trying to understand.

Get ready to…

Quiet yourself Relax Feel yourself just letting go, of everything!

Breathe in -- Hold -- Breathe out;

Breathe in -- Hold -- Breathe out;

Let go Totally relax

Breathe in -- Hold -- Breathe out;

Breathe in -- Hold -- Breathe out;

Now imagine…

You are His Grace, seated at your desk. You have dedicated your career to aligning the Church with the modern age. You were the protégé of a powerful figure in the American Church. Your archdiocese has become an ecumenical crossroads for the best and the brightest nuancers of Church teaching. Picture this in your mind. See yourself reaping collegial approval. Imagine your prestige.

Suddenly, you feel a presence. It comes from a letter on your desk. It is a letter from Pope Benedict. You read it. You read it a second time. Your self-assured dignity is swiftly shaken. Your career has come to an end. You begin to feel a certain pervasive anxiety.

Be with this feeling…

Now, return seamlessly to your own identity, and sing John Lennon’s tune, “Imagine,” with these words:

Imagine no Pilarczyk:
It’s easy if you try. No more gay corruption, ”Spirit of Vatican II,” good-bye! Imagine all our clergy Teaching orthodoxy!
Imagine more Latin Masses: It isn't hard to do. No more liturgical dancing, To the Jesuits, “Adieu!” Imagine all seminarians Living chaste lives for Thee…you-ou-ou-ou-ou,
You may say, “Right-wing vigilante!” But I'm not the only one. I hope some day you’ll leave us, And the Archdiocese will praise the Son!
Imagine faithful theologians. I wonder if you can. No more false liberation - The servitude of man. Imagine all theologians
Like Doctors of the Church…you-ou-ou-ou-ou

You may say, “Right-wing vigilante!” But I'm not the only one. I hope some day you’ll leave us, And the Archdiocese will praise the Son!

Miscellanea CATHOLICA

+Never heard of Bobo Catholicism? You have now! (This is a 12-page PDF file from the College of St. Thomas More in Texas.)

+Two days ago we sent you Randy Engel’s take on the USCCB’s proposed and well-tainted guidelines on homosexuality; thanks to Catholic Citizens of Illinois, here are two more well-informed sources: