The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Saturday, January 28, 2006

The Flying Buttress,, January 29, 2006

The APA’s Gesture of Good Will
+WASHINGTON (AP) -- The American Psychological Association (APA), in partnership with the North American Man-Boy Love Association (NAMBLA), the Human Rights Campaign (HRC), the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN), Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) and the Left-Wing Brain Trust of the Cincinnati Archdiocese (LAVENDERMAFIA), recently announced a new initiative designed to address what it termed the growing “sexual divide” between orthodox Catholics, portrayed as “sexually oppressed,” and the rest of the country, which it described as the “liberated majority.”
+New APA President Elizabeth Sanger Hickey, PhD, in an inaugural address entitled “Leave No Catholic Behind,” said that bridging the sexual divide is a “top priority” for her administration. “We’ve absolutely got to reach out to those Catholics who have been culturally isolated by their religion’s backward and embarrassing stance on sexuality,” said Hickey. “There’s no sense gloating over our victory in the culture war – it’s time to demonstrate our good will.” +The APA’s policy proposals include the following:
Non-confrontational and non-judgmental terminology. Catholic condemnation of homosexual practices will no longer be referred to as “homophobia.” The newly accepted term is “outmoded morality disorder,” an affliction which may be treated by any APA professional authorized to prescribe medication. In addition, public statements by Catholics disapproving of homosexuality will no longer be prosecuted as “hate crimes.” Those who give offense to gays will merely be asked to wear a pink letter “H” for a period to be determined by the proper authorities.
In response to this benevolent initiative, the Church is strongly urged to replace the term “heterodox” with the more modern “homodox,” or even better, “pandox.”
Redefinition of marriage. Marriage must be defined as broadly as possible, in order to be inclusive and truly global in scope. Therefore, the newly accepted definition is “a sincere sharing of bodily fluids which creates a sense of partnership between and among sentient beings.” Catholics should have no trouble acknowledging that the partnership preference they advocate, limiting though it may be, fits neatly within this scheme.
In exchange for this generous offer, the Church is asked to stop identifying herself as the “Bride of Christ.” Henceforth, the Church will be known as the “Partner of Christ.”
Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. These two holidays must be renamed, in order to be truly family-oriented. Since these names exclude families with two lesbian mothers or two gay fathers, (or, in the case of Mowgli, two or more wolves), the APA has determined that the newly accepted name for one of these holidays shall be “Parent’s Day.” Further, in order to avoid discrimination and offense against children, the other of the above named holidays shall be called “Children’s Day.” Catholics may continue to celebrate the old holidays privately, for a limited time, as long as the separation of church and state is not threatened. However, to balance this archaic custom, the Church is asked to rename its “holy days of obligation” to a less polarizing “noteworthy days of volition.”
Mainstreaming of pedophilia. Pedophilia and its related behaviors (hebephilia, ephebophilia, phebophilia and teleiophilia) are hereby removed from the APA listing of psychosexual disorders. Since 81% of the priestly sexual abuse cases in the John Jay report are examples of homosexual hebephilia and ephebophilia,1 this policy change, by our calculations, will save the Church many millions of dollars, because intimate relationships with minors will no longer be a crime. We must eliminate the source of an inconsistent policy which, on the one hand, promotes the benefits of adult-minor intimacy, but on the other, punishes priests for initiating such relationships.
To reciprocate for this charitable act, the Church should be prepared to re-word absolutist, objectivist dogma. For example, an acceptable replacement for the term “sin” might be “intriguing sensory experience,” as in “The Seven Deadly Intriguing Sensory Experiences.” Or, the Church might rename the Ten Commandments the “Ten Recommendations.”
In a last-minute deal negotiated by unnamed intermediaries, the ACLU (not a signatory to this agreement) has pledged to admit at least one heterosexual to its Board of Directors2, if the Catholic Church agrees to reverse its stance on admitting gays to the priesthood.
+In an immediate follow-up to Dr. Hickey’s groundbreaking speech, the Cincinnati Archdiocese Communications Office, together with its Office of Youth and Young Adult Ministry3, issued the following joint statement in support of the APA initiative: “The sexual identity and health of the People of God are of primary concern to us, particularly as Church teachings render them increasingly vulnerable to and at-risk for cultural marginalization. Therefore, to promote a truly safe environment for all Catholics in this Archdiocese, we announce today a new yard sign, poster and billboard campaign in support of the APA initiative. The slogan for this campaign will be ‘Catholics - our bedroom door is open.’”
NOTES: 1. That is, an adult male sexual attraction to pubertal and post-pubertal male youth. 2. But not more than two. 3. Sponsor of the CRYSM and SCHISM programs.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

The Flying Buttress, 1/15/06

CRYSM: A New Dimension

+The surfacing of yet another Cincinnati Archdiocese-sponsored support group for “gay” students, CRYSM (“Catholics Respecting Youth in Sexual Minorities"), should come as no surprise to those who have followed the career of our Bernardin protégé, Archbishop Daniel E. Pilarczyk. His Excellency, who has been publicly accused of being a homosexual on local airwaves, continues to create the appearance of having a personal stake in promoting the acceptance of homosexuality by the Church. This flagrant undermining of Church teaching (using the "compassion" rationalization)1 - is apparently not a problem for him.

+Our readers may not know, however, that the local chapter of the Lavender Mafia, whose motto is “Who needs salvation when you’ve got sexual liberation?" has created a two-step program. Once the self-esteem requirements of CRYSM have been satisfied (that is, once these youth have been successfully recruited into intimate relationships with pederast priests and bishops), participants are encouraged to enroll in a more intensive program: SCHoolboys Initiated into Sodomic Maturity (SCHISM).

+The Flying Buttress, always on top of these polarizing issues, has obtained a curriculum description for SCHISM, which is apparently modeled on the course structure of a university degree. Moreover, this advanced support group also appears to be a recruiting tool for vocations to the priesthood. Judge for yourself:

Queer Queries and Sophisticated Lifestyles

SCHISM 101-103. Historical Foundations of Homosexuality

SCHISM 101. Alexander the Great and his other empire: the homoerotic conquests. A penetrating investigation into the heretofore unknown causes of Alexander’s military genius and his valor in battle: his noble love of male beauty. The love inspired by Plato’s heavenly Aphrodite. The tie that bound the Sacred Band of Thebes, and how Alexander broke it. Alexander’s use of fragrant oils.

SCHISM 102. National Socialism and national socializing: Germany’s national “vice." The Wandervogel “Sig Heil" salute. Hitler’s “Homo Youth." To the manner bund: the revival of the homoerotic military cults of Greece. The Wehrmacht and SS and their “Do ask, do tell" policy. The true meaning of male chauvinism. Teutonic enhancements to masculinity: the outing of the master race.

SCHISM 103. Just a Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Modern Medicine Go Down: Dr. Alfred Kinsey, and the APA. Kinsey’s groundbreaking research on homosexuality, bisexuality, child sexuality, and related sexualities. Kinsey’s inspiring private life and his wide circle of friends. His bold redefinition of marriage. His fertile correspondence with Nazi SS Officer Fritz von Balluseck. The APA, in an admirable display of flexibility, declassifies homosexuality as a mental disorder. Winning the “culture war."

SCHISM 201-203. The Seminary Life

SCHISM 201. Playing it straight: affecting affective maturity. Passing the entrance exams, evaluations and interviews. Deniability and plausibility: getting back in the closet as a means to an end. Avoiding flirtatious faculty – for now. Character references and what they should say.

SCHISM 202. Don we now our gay apparel: sending the right signals and clicking with the clique. Who are your brethren? Visitation etiquette. Shower etiquette. Off-campus and off-road excursions. Be true to yourself; be true to your school.

SCHISM 203. Walk softly and carry a big stick: the politics of power. Favors and favorites, allies and enemies. Subculture or superculture? When Rome comes to visit.

SCHISM 301-303. Parish and Professional Life

SCHISM 301. Putting the sell into celibacy (prerequisite: SCHISM 201). Acquiring a cat or dog for the rectory. Stocking the office bookshelves. Diet and grooming. Heterosexual hobbies. Sponsoring the Boy Scout troop: a two-edged sword.

SCHISM 302. Maximizing your down time: choosing the discrete partner(s). Helpful magazines, websites and chatrooms. Using your old seminary network. Networking in other professions (esp. music, theater and social work).

SCHISM 303. Individual Study: situation ethics. Course materials will address such scenarios as “What if my bishop is straight?" “Our organist propositioned me!" “Parish council is suspicious," “My partner has been arrested," or, “That 14 year old's family talked to the police."

Finally, we have it on good authority that the members of SCHISM, in order to promote their newfound sense of solidarity and liberated identity, are asked to sing this song at midday, wherever they may be, to honor their benefactor and protector:

“Dan the Blade” (music by Kurt Weill)

Oh it’s the urge, babe, to go cruise, dear,
You can show your pearly whites.
But those SCHISMatics are such roosters,
That we keep them...ah...out of sight.
Ya know when that urge hits, it’s got teeth, babe
All that pillow-talk comes to mind.
Just be sure you wear protection
So you’re nevah, nevah struck blind.
Now down the sidewalk, one sunny mornin’
Comes a young man, a stud in spades...eeek!
And that someone he’s so close to
Could that someone be "Dan the Blade"?
A-there’s a gay bar...huh,huh,huh...down by the river don’tcha know
And it calls you to come on down
Oh, take a long walk on the wild side,
Five’ll get ya ten you won't make old Danny frown...
NOTES:  1.  For the homosexual redefinition of compassion, see the Flying Buttress, 5/9/05