The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Chicken Soup for the Feminist Soul

+We at the Flying Buttress have often wondered why Catholic feminists rarely turn their attention to the source of their bankrupt rhetoric: Satan. After all, isn’t he just as much a creation and role model of the oppressive patriarchy as the Trinity? And why is hell the exclusive domain of such a contemptible male chauvinist, anyway?

+Now comes word, however, that this curious oversight is about to be corrected. The Worship Office of the Cincinnati Archdiocese has announced that it will host a conference organized by Voice of the Faithful, FutureChurch, Call to Action, Benetvision, and Friends of Creation Spirituality, to be called “Fey Apostolate: Pathways to a Maternal Underworld.”

+Since an advance copy of the conference brochure has serendipitously fallen into our hands, we dutifully pass along to our readers these highlights of the conference workshops (ED. NOTE: Due to some last-minute changes required by the unforeseen side-effects of certain psychotropic substances, all presenters’ names have been omitted):

1. Praxis Makes Perfect: Liberation Theology and the Transformation of the Underworld.” An introduction to the basic principles of social, economic, sexual and environmental justice as practiced by the Society of Jesus. Apply these principles to the outmoded patriarchal hierarchy of hell, and construct with us a new matriarchal egalitarianism: the preferential option for the damned. Envision the end of judgment and the new reign of the Nature Goddess, that all realms may be one!

2. “The Just Hell Project: Social Action for Full Metal Jacket Catholicism.” Responding to the purifying fire, the People of God acquire special training in the principles, techniques and tools of nonviolent action to create a just, diverse and participatory hell. These training sessions are part of a special track on nonviolent demonic possession. How do we confront male-generated fear, despair and hatred? How do the stages of successful social movements apply to hell reform? How do we manage the theo-political challenge of living with multiple ways of being hell? (Prerequisite: Praxis Make Perfect)

3. “She-Devil: New Upsides to a Perennial Downer.” Draw new power from the wellsprings of the Eternal Feminine as you lay aside old patterns of male-engendered inferiority, fear and guilt, and learn to practice the ministry of mutuality with the living anima mundi. Explore new paradigms of reward without punishment as you are nurtured by the ancient liberating rituals and rhythms of Nature. Discover how to materialize the divine fullness of your Infernal Goddess Within!

4. “What Do You See When You Turn Out the Light?” (I can’t tell you but I know it’s mine) Re-evaluating darkness as a means to holistic healing. Just as humanity begins in the darkness of the mother’s womb, so must we view all darkness as a vital source of spiritual nurture. Learn to resonate with all the forbidden forces of Divinity, and channel them toward a new spiritual integration as you master the sacred, re-fashioned hell environment. Become a Ruler of Darkness through primordial knowledge!

5. “Tawk Amongst Yourselves.” Dialoguing our way to a more inclusive abyss through hell talk and the new demonology. Probes outmoded patriarchal hell talk as it transformed under the impact of today's Darwinian understanding of the origins and evolution of hell. Through the poetry and little-known sketches of Leonardo da Vinci, we play at re-naming Holy Hell, and discover the new urgency of acting on behalf of the Hell Goddess, whom Thomas Berry calls "a voice of the Divine which once silenced will never be heard again.”

6. “To Hell in a Handbasket.” Accessorize your personal hell with furnishings and decorative objects available at the Gift Shop throughout the conference. Then, enrich your personal hell experience through activation of the lower chakras and the awakening of the kundalini. Initiate your journey toward the Maternal Divinity that is locked deep within you. Expand your awareness of those inner promptings that lead straight to the blessed and eternal deep, as you create the capacity for powerful and visionary prophecy. Bless your new visions of hell with the damnation salutation, half moon, mountain and other yoga postures. Abandon the MAN-tra, and take up the WOMMYN-tra!

7. Dances with Werewolves.” We call upon Lilith to lead our Dances of Universal Knowledge as invocation through movement, in ways that honor a rich diversity of maternal underworld creatures: werewolves, satyrs, fauns, hell-hounds, dragons, serpents, bats, toads, and others. Moving beyond anthropocentrism, we use simple chants and reverent movement in a circle, opening us to peace, reconciliation and solidarity with all creatures of the underworld.

8. “Dante, Schmante: New Hope for the ‘Damned’.” Wrapping up our conference is a new and exciting guided meditation, the “Perdition Expedition,” where participants will envision a new era of peace and wellbeing for the entire feminized hell community. This shared vision of our ideal yet practical hell becomes our call to action when we experience the beauty of damnation, the inspiration of the Book of the Dead, and stories of solidarity and engagement. This interactive session gives voice to our own death narratives, our self-fulfilling prophecies, and the wisdom of Mother Earth.

Miscellanea CATHOLICA

+Can you recognize liturgical fidelity from liturgical flim-flam? Take the GIRM quiz.

+The World-Wide Day of the Rosary is coming!

+The Three Flames of Divine Love.

Friday, September 29, 2006

The Anglican Archdiocese of Minneapolis

+Our readers may be familiar with the controversy in Minneapolis surrounding the exiled Fr. Robert Altier (not pictured at left). Father has been smacked upside the head with a two-by-four for defending orthodoxy in the face of the sleazy, narcissistic and degenerate moral and theological vacuum promoted by the “progressive” leadership of his archdiocese (a vacuum which masquerades as “compassion,” “tolerance,” “diversity,” and “inclusion” – the full toolbox of Satanic “enlightenment”).

+You may also have heard of St. Joan of Arc parish in this same archdiocese, the bustling hub of this “whatever-works-for-you” moral vacuum. Though the faithful Fr. Altier has been kicked to the curb, the unfaithful, vulgar and cynical Fr. DeBruycker continues, unchecked, his dissident rampage across the face of the Church, promoting homosexualists, New Agers, female “ordination,” and other heretical agendas.

+If you smell the double standard of the Lavender Mafia at work, you don’t know the half of it! The Flying Buttress has discovered that Archbishop Harry Flynn, in order to institutionalize the NewChurch he sponsors, has quietly re-named his cathedral. Yes, the Cathedral of St. Paul is now known as the “Community of King St. Henry VIII.”

+To commemorate this alteration, a special private liturgy was celebrated (invitation by Rainbow Sash only) and two fellow lavender luminaries were imported to con-desecrate. Episcopal Bishop Gene Robinson distributed the Eucharist, and Cincinnati Archbishop Daniel Pilarczyk delivered the homily. Thanks to the diligence of our Minnesota correspondent Knute de Torquemada, prosperous dairy farmer and shorthand clerk extraordinaire (though no relation to our publisher), we can pass Pilarczyk’s remarks along to you:

“My Dear Sisters and Brothers, and Everyone In-Between,

It is with great joy that we ascend to one of the summits of the reformed and renewed Church in America this night. Here we can be assured of a safe haven from the liturgical winter of Rome, from the oppressive and exclusionist dogma of the Magisterium, and from the homophobic posture of so many of our colleagues.

How ironic that here in Minnesota, one of the coldest regions of the country, we find such a springtime of warmth and compassion for our just cause! In this oasis flows a fountain of affirmation of the basic human rights of our GLBT comrades. In this font of mercy, we find a gratifying awareness of alternative lifestyles. In this balm of Gilead, we find a unitive sexuality expressed in a manner consonant with Our Lord’s teachings. In this embodiment of Christian charity, we find life-giving and love-affirming acceptance!

Acceptance! Such an overture of love to the ears of human suffering! But where is OldChurch in response to our suffering?

OldChurch taught us about the dignity of life, didn’t it? But was it a valid dignity? Was it inclusive? (here the audience shouted, “NO!”)

OldChurch taught us about love, didn’t it? But was it a valid love? Was it tolerant? (another resounding “NO!”)

OldChurch taught us about charity, didn’t it? But was it a valid charity? Was it diverse? (“NEVER!”)

Well my friends, NewChurch has corrected all these grievous and hateful errors! We and we alone have purified the Church, we have set it on a new course, and we have opened its windows to the spirit of the age, just as Vatican II directed! (applause)

I say to you, dear friends, that God is on our side! Why? Because unifying love is on our side! Does it matter how we translate our Bibles? No! Does it matter how we celebrate our liturgies? No! Does it matter what kind of music we sing? No! All is good and holy in God’s eyes, and we are the ones who proclaim it! We are the disciples of love! NewChurch is One! (wild applause)

Now, lets calm down a little as we prepare to partake of the meal. You know, we should never boast that communion in the hand is worth two on the tongue! Why? Because this is a meal which, short of our unifying sexuality, is the most important event in our faith journey. What does this meal signify? We all know, don’t we, what OldChurch taught us about that – but what does NewChurch teach? It teaches that by receiving Our Lord’s pita bread and grape juice, we are transformed sexually, liberated into the dizzying heights of a salvific freedom that only love can bring!

But before we share, let us also remember the new guardian angel of this cathedral community, King St. Henry the VIII. Why did your archbishop choose him? Because he is our role model: the man who broke away from Rome for love! What higher example can we find than Henry VIII? (here some members of the assembly were heard to softly sing “What I Did For Love”)

And now, my dear friends, as we begin our meal, let us embrace NewChurch, let us embrace FutureChurch, and most importantly, let us embrace SexChurch! Let us pray…”

Miscellanea CATHOLICA

+Sign a petition in support of Father Altier at the Concerned Roman Catholics of America website.