The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Sunday, February 17, 2008

A New Encyclical

+Choosing St. Valentine’s Day to mark the auspicious occasion, the five Extraordinary Presiders of the RHCCIA have issued their first encyclical, Extra Ecclesiam nulla liberatio, which translates into the vernacular as “Outside the Church there is no liberation.”

(Flying Buttress readers might find it odd that this schismatic homosexual federation would furnish their work with a Latin title, given their foundations in populist revolution, individualism and self-expression. However, as the EP’s explained in their press release, this was an attempt to demonstrate a legitimate alternative to those who might be tempted to think of Rome as the only seat of Latin Catholicism.)

+In an attempt to exhibit legitimacy of a different sort, the RHCCIA has also announced that its Extraordinary proclamations will not be called “encyclicals.” Instead, as a display of environmental sensitivity and solidarity with the earth, they will be promulgated as “recyclicals.”

+Here then is an excerpt from the first RHCCIA recyclical, Extra Ecclesiam nulla liberatio:

February 14, 2008

To our Illustrious GLBTQ Presiders, Deacons, Eucharistic Ministers, Pastoral Associates, and all parish staff enjoying full, conscious and active communion with the Extraordinary Presiders.

Sincere, faithful and committed Sisters and Brothers, and everyone in-between, Greetings and Universal Approbation!

1. It is with great joy and exhilaration that We address Ourselves to you, our new Church, indeed to the entire world, for the very first time. We stand together on the threshold of a great new revelation, a brave new world. We support you, We affirm the holiness of your sexuality, and We call you together to this Great Crusade for equality and civil rights.

2. Yet Our joy is tempered with sadness, for We are troubled by the lack of unity in this vast movement to re-fashion and transform the very foundations of Western Civilization. The Holy Spirit has called us to follow our intuitive and sensate hearts, yet too many do so in isolation, or grope in dark alleys, or embark on fruitless paths. For this reason, We issue today a universal call to gather within and to follow Our new Church on the ecumenical path to liberation, for it is only within the RHCCIA that the true Holy Spirit, the Holy Spirit of Vatican II, which is the spirit of salvation through liberation, subsists.

3. Now, it may readily be seen that each of us, through sanctifying grace, has the natural law of liberation written upon our hearts and on our souls. But it is our Church, by the power of the Holy Spirit of Vatican II, which alone gives supple and discernible form and order to the supernatural theological virtues which emanate from this sanctifying grace. It is this very order which equips the RHCCIA with the most efficacious means of offering salvation through liberation.

4. Though, we hasten to add, that those who, through their invincible ignorance and no fault of their own, do not know of or who cannot find the saving graces offered by the RHCCIA, yet who hold fast to the Law of Liberation solely through the power of the Supreme Architect, may also be saved. To put it simply, We’re OK – you’re OK!

5. What then are these theological virtues? The first is liberty. What is liberty? Liberty is the virtue by which we believe that freedom is the application of an absolute natural faculty that allows us to do whatever we please in self-contentment, as long as we do not prevent others from being liberated. Freedom has no limits except those which ensure that the other members of the Church enjoy the same freedom: the freedom of free will, the freedom to choose free will, and the freedom to exercise the intelligence to choose free will which liberates without limit, absolutely.

6. The second theological virtue is equality. What is equality? Equality is the virtue by which each of the faithful is guaranteed the same sexual rights, the same sexual capacity, and the same sexual fulfillment, all operating within the marvelous sphere of diverse orientations that characterize the natural and independent law of man unto himself, freed of artificial social and moral distinctions which breed hatred and strife. Equality is all for one and one for all, each fully endowed with the inalienable rights of one-ness and all-ness.

7. The third theological virtue is fraternity. What is fraternity? Fraternity is the virtue by which all men are inherently brothers – or sisters. For in our Church it can readily be seen that gender matters not, only the humanistic quality of the relationship, the liberation that results from that relationship, and the guiding realization that the oneness of all sexual truth can only be revealed by loving our neighbor as ourselves, so that they are no longer merely neighbors but intimate and mutually supportive pilgrims on the path to liberation, in a truly neighborly sense. And verily may it be said that if one cannot be with the one you love, then one should love the one you’re with...

(Here follows an exegesis of the Seven Gifts of the Holy Spirit of Vatican II, which concludes with this solemn warning):

...Finally, if anyone denies the doctrine of salvation through liberation, let them develop exanthema!”

Miscellanea CATHOLICA


+If you would like to express your support for the Holy Father, who is being criticized by the International Rabbinical Assembly for his revision of the Good Friday Prayer, send an e-mail before Monday noon to A partial list of signers to the Declaration in his support may be found here.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

A Call to Order

+The Flying Buttress has learned that the schismatic homosexual federation known to our readers as the RHCCIA is now attempting to offer a deeper level of spiritual enrichment to its followers. As outlined in their recently published Extraordinary Bulletin No. 1, “The Inclusive Tradition,” the federation has formed three new religious orders. They are described briefly as follows:

+The first order, based here in Cincinnati and appealing to staid and conservative bedrock midwest values, has been named the “Log Cabin Franciscans.”

+The second order, based in San Francisco and targeting the federation’s more flamboyant, expressive and dramatic followers, is calling itself the “Sisters of Perpetual Self-Indulgence.”

+The third order began by calling itself the Society Against Traditional Dogma (STD). However, in response to concerns raised by the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta that the initials STD might result in the unintentional promotion of promiscuity, the Society has changed its name to simply “The Disputians.”

+This week we offer our readers the Rule of the Log Cabin Franciscans.

Rule I

The rule of life of the Log Cabin Franciscans is to study the radical social gospel of Our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in continual dialogue with the Holy Spirit, and to maintain fidelity to the Impresarium1 of the RHCCIA and to our sexual orientation, without any other thought but civil justice and equality.

The friars promise their loyalty to the Extraordinary Presiders and their canonically discerned successors and representatives of the RHCCIA.

Rule II

Let the brothers study diligently the Divine Office and bend all their energies to revising it in accordance with the principles of the Book of Common Prayer. The brothers shall fast on all the patriotic holidays, especially July 4, Labor Day, Memorial Day and President’s Day, as a celebration of their solidarity with all Americans and their love of country.

Rule III

The friars are not to receive cash donations, as they are not to consider themselves poor but rich in the Holy Spirit. However, they may accept gifts of high quality investments, annuities, government securities and real estate, as long as these gifts are properly redistributed to needy RHCCIA parishes and worthy social causes. In lieu of social causes, donations to the RHCCIA Foundation will be accepted.

Rule IV

The friars are to clothe themselves in a brown tunic and capuche, though a gray Bill Belichick hoodie may be substituted on Super Bowl Sunday. A rainbow flag pin must be worn and be visible at all times.

Rule V

Let the brothers place the highest premium on limited government, laissez-faire socialization and personal responsibility, to ensure that the abbot does not usurp the powers of discipline and enforcement, and to ensure that the brothers maintain that self-determination and individual liberty which is so vital to maintaining their freedom.

Rule VI

When the brothers have business outside the monastery, let them not consort with hate criminals or homophobes, nor anyone else tainted by an association with the radical Christian right. When the brothers find themselves among other orders who share their sexuality, such as the Society of Jesus, let them comport themselves with the dignity that befits members of the same family.

Rule VII

The brothers may not participate in any ostentatious displays of identity, such as Gay Pride parades or USCCB conferences2, no matter how deeply their sympathies may lie with those involved in such events. They may, however, assist such efforts behind the scenes, while being careful to avoid any recognition which might contribute to a false sense of self-importance.


The friars shall elect a Minister General through representation by an Electoral College of provincials, who shall be chosen by straw polls conducted at each monastery. The Minister General shall proudly bear the title of The Great Emancipator, after our great President and role model Abraham Lincoln.

1. That is, the dogmatic diversion office of the RHCCIA. 2. Though those from our former affiliation who share our identity may not wish to acknowledge our bond publicly.

Miscellanea CATHOLICA

+Una Voce Carmel (Indiana) is proud to present Fr. Gerard Saguto of the Priestly Fraternity of St. Peter, who will be giving on a talk on "Culture, Convenience and Catholicism" at St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Catholic Church, 10655 Haverstick Rd, Carmel, IN on Feb 10, 2008. For more information, please call (317) 581-0315 or visit

+Liturgical Dancing with the Stars

+Sandro Magister reports that Pope Benedict will be publishing a new formulation for the Good Friday Prayer for the Conversion of the Jews in the 1962 Missal, which will eliminate references to the “darkness” and “blindness” of the Jewish people. Using this new PC formulation as our guide, The Flying Buttress hereby submits to the ICEL our new translation of Matthew 21:12:

“And Jesus went into the temple of God and earnestly began to dialogue with all those who sold and bought in the temple, and offered His gentle wisdom at the tables of the money changers and began to fold and stack the chairs of them that sold doves."

A Capital Idea

+While The Flying Buttress has been boring our readers to tears with neo-apocalyptic tedium about the end of progress and convoluted rebuttals of an obscure 20-year old remark about a “countersyllabus,” the RHCCIA (Roamin’ Homosexual Catholic Chuch in America) has been steadily expanding its foothold in the American Catholic community.

+It seems that the five Extraordinary Presiders of the RHCCIA, having been evicted from the cathedrals where they formerly sat as Roman Catholic bishops, have quietly settled on a new home for their schismatic federation.

+The parish they have selected, after due consideration, is Most Holy Redeemer Church in San Francisco. Unfortunately, already faced with vociferous resistance from many Holy Redeemer parishioners, the leadership of the federation has been forced to agree to make their residency only temporary, until a new RHCCIA Cathedral can be built.

+Toward that ambitious end, a capital campaign targeting wealthy and influential members of the gay community is being planned to raise funds for this new cathedral. While a catchy campaign slogan has been announced to the public (“Let Us Build a Temple of Justice”), our Alternative Lifestyles Correspondent John Elton has learned that among the federation’s private circle, the campaign carries a slogan that’s much less imposing but more to the point:

“Pray, Pay and Be Gay”

+According to Elton’s confidential sources, the centerpiece event of the “Pray, Pay and Be Gay” campaign will be a lavish golf “outing” held at a prestigious San Francisco country club. While we recognize that the details of this posh gala may be discomfiting to our readers, we must insist on holding your noses to the grindstone of reality:

~Sponsorship Levels~

$250,000 and above. The Cole Porter “Begin the Beguine” Title Sponsorship. The first sponsor at this level will win naming rights to the new cathedral, and all Title Sponsors will have a stained glass window named after them in said cathedral.

$150,000 - $249,999. The Barney Frank “Statesman” Supporting Sponsorship. Sponsors at this level will win a seat in Congress, paid for by the Ford Foundation, George Soros, and the Human Rights Campaign. Your congressional office will be staffed by aides and pages carefully screened by HRC, PFLAG, NAMBLA, GSLEN and DIGNITY/USA.

$75,000 - $149,999. The Oscar Wilde “Bon Vivant” Hole Sponsorship. These sponsors will win lucrative ten-year contracts to write feature articles for the National Catholic Reporter.

$50,000 - $74,999. The Bette Midler “Continental” Contest Sponsorship. Sponsors at this level win a lifetime membership to a gay bathhouse of the sponsor’s choice.

$25,000 - $49,000. The SpongeBob SquarePants “Bump and Run” Table Sponsorship. Sponsors at the post-golf tradeshow may choose between a voiceover role in the famous cartoon or an engagement as the keynote speaker at the next annual dinner of Americans United for Separation of Church and State.

Below $25,000. Interested parties should consult with sponsors of heterosexual golf events.


The Robert Nugent Longest Drive, in which distance is measured not so much in yards, but by the sincerity and vigor of one’s swing.

The Gumbleton/Weakland Skins Game, in which prize money is paid to the other contestants to keep them quiet about intrinsically disordered scores.

The Richard McBrien Closest to Pin Par 3, in which the caddy’s advice about which club to use is ignored, the pin location may be moved in mid-contest, and the golf balls may be other than USGA-approved.

The Matthew Fox Putting Contest, in which each contestant prophecies exactly where his ball will stop rolling.

The Richard Rohr Blind Partner, in which foursome members may analyze each others’ golf swings, but all encounters are required to remain anonymous.

NOTE: For more information about sponsorships and contests, please contact the chanceries of the Archdioceses of Los Angeles, San Francisco, Minneapolis, Washington D.C. and Cincinnati.