The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Saturday, March 22, 2008

All You Need Is...

+The Roamin’ Homosexual Catholic Church in America (RHCCIA), reaching for a level of sophistication previously unheard of amongst liberals and progressives, has given an official name to its doctrine of salvation through liberation.

+Taking their cue from the famous policy of “Ostpolitik” that has swept through the Church since Vatican II, the five Extraordinary Presiders (Mahony, Niederauer, Wuerl, Flynn and Pilarczyk) have named their doctrine “Ostseelenheil,” that is, “Ost-salvation.”

+As you might guess, since “Ostpolitik” requires rapprochement, negotiation and compromise with the enemy rather than condemnation and stout resistance, “Ostseelenheil” involves a similar approach to the traditional obstacle to salvation: sin.

+In order to report to our readers how Ostseelenheil might work during Confession (as well as to satisfy our own idle curiosity), we sent one of our Secret Shopper Sinners to an RHCCIA Reconciliation Suite for a first-hand look:

“I stepped through the door and was greeted by the pleasant tinkling of a silver bell that hung from the doorknob. Apparently this was to alert the priest to my presence, since he was in the kitchenette. He called out, ‘Who’s there?’ ‘I’m here for Confession,’ I replied. ‘Oh! Well just a moment then,’ he assured me. ‘Let me finish making this latte and I’ll be right with you!’

While I waited I looked around the front room, which was comfortably furnished with a top grain black leather sectional sofa, dark cherry coffee table with antique burnished gold accents, and rose burgundy brushed velour armchairs. I noticed several posters on the dark jade walls, featuring a large Michael Jackson ‘We Are the World’ print surrounded by smaller portraits of Teilhard de Chardin, Annibale Bugnini, Che Guevara, Chairman Mao, and Joseph Bernardin. The quiet but insistent thump of techno-music came from a Bose radio in a corner of the room, only partially muffled by the velvety even cut pile of the plush cream carpet.

Finally the priest came in with his latte, and apologized. ‘How rude of me – I should have asked if you’d like one! Mocha with caramel sound good?’ When I declined, he motioned me to the couch and said ‘So! What can I do ya for?’

‘Bless me father, for I have sinned.’

‘Oh yes, that! Well first off, young man, let’s eliminate this unnecessary distance between us – please call me brother, not father. Now second, what makes you think you’ve sinned? That exhibits a rather extreme lack of self-esteem, don’t you think? Have you got post-sin traumatic guilt disorder?’

‘I don’t think so, fath – uh, brother, but doesn’t the Church teach us not to look at women with lustful eyes?’

‘You’re looking at women? Tsk, tsk, how unfortunate! Are you sure you’re in the right church? Well – chacun a son goo! Anyhoo, let me suggest this: has it ever occurred to you that women enjoy being looked at?’

‘No, not really, I mean, I hadn’t really noticed.’

‘And by looking at them and appreciating their beauty, aren’t you fulfilling their desires?’

‘Gee, I never thought of it that way...’

‘Gotcha! Explain this to me, then: how could you be sinning when you’re contributing to the self-esteem of your neighbor? BTW, this latte is to die for! Sure you don’t want one?’

‘ thanks.....’

‘See, you’re just turned all upside down and bass-ackwards! Tell you what: I think the real problem is not your perception of women: it’s your perception of yourself and your perception of sin!’


‘Of course! Here you are performing an act of charity, a corporal and spiritual act of mercy all rolled into one, but you think you’re doing something terrible! Why are you carrying around all this guilt, my friend? Just let it go – give in to your feelings, don’t resist them! God understands!’

‘He does?’

‘Yes, yes, silly – God is love, remember? And does love judge and punish? Does love limit? Does love exclude and refuse to embrace? Can we talk Sermon on the Mount here? Oh! Don’t get me started!’


‘Now look: the next time you start to think you’re sinning, embody this ‘sin’ so you can separate yourself from it, and have a dialogue with it. Talk to it, ask it why it’s being so harsh, ask what it is doing to change so it can understand your point of view! Get it?’

‘I’m not sure – can you give me an example?’

‘OK, imagine an attractive woman walks by: your eyes pop right out of your head, and you say to yourself “Wow!! Look at that!” Then you fall into that old trap and think “Uh-oh, I just sinned.”’

‘Then what?’

‘Then here’s where that dialogue comes in: you have to establish a relationship with this false sense of sin, see? Find out what makes it tick, learn what its principles are, try to understand why it wants to condemn you. And once you have this relationship and reach a common ground, you can move forward together with your perceptions, and everything will be smooth! Instead of being your enemy, sin will be your friend! After all, we can’t have any enemies in the new civilization of love, can we? Now do you get it?’

‘Well, I think so. And thank you for your counsel, uh, brother, but I really should be going. Do you want me to do any penance?’

‘Ab-so-toot-ly! As penance for condemning yourself, I want you to memorize this Act of Affirmation, take it to heart, and recite it every day:

“I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am attractive person. I am fun to be with. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."'

Miscellanea CATHOLICA

+Blogger “Athanasius” understands that ecumenism, in its post-Conciliar sense, is nothing more than a vain and futile attempt to simultaneously deceive both sides of an irreconcilable equation: good and evil, truth and falsehood, and Catholic and non-Catholic: (scroll down to 2/12)

+Episodes 1 and 2 of "Silencing the Christians" are now on-line.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

The RHCCIA Meets the Bible Belt

+Our latest feature article about this schismatic homosexual federation investigates the liturgical practices of one of their sects that has sprouted up recently, in fact what seems like mere moments ago. Apparently, this sect is a result of a cross-fertilization between the Novus Ordo and certain pentecostal practices that originated deep in Appalachia, in the heart of the American Bible Belt.

+We refer to a new group of RHCCIA faithful who, due to their unique style of liturgical celebration, have become known as the CRYSM-matics.

+The CRYSM-matics, based in Steubenville, Ohio, not only echo the name of their charismatic brethren, but several of their celebratory customs as well. Our glossolalia correspondent Azusa Lollapalooza recently attended a CRYSM-matic Mass in Steubenville, and filed this report:

“It was with a great deal of trepidation that I crossed the threshold of St. Slain-in-the-Spirit. I was afraid that before I sat down, someone would hand me a large snake and ask me to stop, drop and roll, but - much to my relief - my presence was acknowledged with nothing more than a warm handshake and a friendly welcome.

Truth be told, there were only a relatively few points in this Mass that stood out from what I’m accustomed to (Publisher’s note: though The Flying Buttress is strictly a traditionalist publication, we do retain a few Novus Ordo Catholics on our staff in order to be inclusive). These departures, in fact, were listed in an Explanatory Note inserted in the Glory & Praise hymnal, which justified them by referring to the doctrine of the ‘hypo-ecstatic union’ – a doctrine which, as the Note acknowledged, is often referred to outside the CRYSM-matic community as the ‘hyper-ecstatic’ union, due to popular misunderstanding of the high energy level inherent in these rituals.

The first departure from the Missalette occurred at the Kyrie, where, instead of that ancient and venerable chant, the assembly began moaning very slowly, in a low voice, something which the Explanatory Note listed as ‘Kyrie II’:


(Publisher’s note: our staff linguist theorizes that by singing this chant at a faster clip, one might be able to discern a plausible meaning in English. However, we leave that to the judgment of our readers.)

The next novelty was the homily, which consisted of some simple folk-wisdom chanted by the Presider (‘P’) in a kind of repetitive sing-song refrain, punctuated by rhythmic clapping and verse from the congregation (‘P+C’), who seemed to know in advance what the Presider was going to say:

P:  ‘Oompa loompa doompety doo;
I’ve got a perfect sermon for you.
Oompa loompa doompety dee;
If you are wise you’ll listen to me.
 P+C:  What do you get when you practice safe sex?
It sure beats the heck out of abstinence!
Who are these people who tell us ‘Be chaste’?
Sex is such a terrible thing to waste!
Do you like the sound of it?
 P:  Oompa loompa doompety doo
I’ve got another sermon for you
Oompa loompa doompety dee
If you are wise you’ll listen to me
 P+C:  Monogamy’s fine when it’s once in a while,
But soon you’ll be bored and you’ll need a new style!
Who says multiple partners are wrong?
If you don’t sleep around will you really belong
The way that we do?
 P:  Oompa loompa doompety da
With all the gay graces you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do!’

Finally, in what may have been the most unusual variant, there was the Blessing, which the Presider began with this formula:

‘Ad hoc, ad loc and quid pro quo! Give it up for Jesus, and then I’ll let you go!’

After which he was heartily joined by all, with this:

‘Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo: When we’re together the Spirit is hot - bibbidi-bobbidi-boo! Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo: He can do magic believe it or not - bibbidi-bobbidi-boo! Salagadoola means mechicka booleroo But the thingmabob that does the job is bibbidi-bobbidi-boo Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo: When we’re together the Spirit is hot - bibbidi-bobbidi bibbidi-bobbidi bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!’

All in all, I must say the CRYSM-matic Mass had quite an infectious spirit, and I look forward to filing a follow-up report.”