The Flying Buttress: What Inquisitors' Minds Want to Know

An archive for issues of The Flying Buttress newswire, whose purpose is to comment satirically on dissent within and relating to the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Cincinnati. Disclaimer: These publications are works of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The Discovery Channel Atones

+ The Flying Buttress is pleased to report that the Discovery Channel, bowing to intense pressure from our reviled but influential Publisher, has decided to air a follow-up documentary to atone for its scandalous fraud “The Lost Tomb of Jesus.”

+With this new documentary, entitled “The Lost Faith of the USCCB,” renowned filmmaker Erich von Torquemada claims to have discovered a tomb in Los Angeles containing the remains of the faith of ten prominent American bishops. These unusually large faith boxes, unearthed during the construction of a gay civil rights museum near the La Brea Tar Pits, are rumored to include six that are inscribed with names:

(1) Daniel bar Pilarczyk, Polish for “Daniel son of Bernardin”; (2) Roger bar Mahony, Irish for “Roger son of Dodger”; (3) Donald Abu ben adem Wuerl, Arabic for “may your tribe decrease”; (4) Harry bar Tridentine Flynn, Irish for “rainbows and nursing homes”; (5) Tod bin Brown, German for “kneeling ist verboten”; and (6) George lambda-laden Niederauer, Bavarian for “Brokeback Fever.”

+In what is a most remarkable coincidence, the contents of these six inscribed faith boxes were uncannily similar, as if mutually agreed upon. They each contained the following:

1 Rosary; 1 Liturgia Horarium, 1985 edition; 1 Douay Rheims Bible; 1 Missal of 1962; 1 set, Latin Altar Cards, framed; 1 Missal of 1970; 1 Sacrosanctum Consilium; 1 ORATIONES a SACERDOTIBUS, framed; 1 Catechism of the Catholic Church; 1 ea. chalice, ciborium, paten; 1 ea. censer, thurible, bells; 1 Confessional stole; 1 Letter of Appointment from His Holiness John Paul II

+Forensic Note: Most leading epigraphers and ambulance-chasers agree about the veracity of these inscriptions. All certified archaeologists and grave-diggers confirm the details of the find. What we have here is a situation ripe for the statistical analysis we commissioned, which compared DNA samples found on the artifacts and concluded that the probability factor is 600 to 1 in favor of this tomb being the tomb of the lost faith of the USCCB.

+Theological Note: It is a matter of common knowledge and belief among faithful Catholics that the USCCB is the duly constituted, licit, collegial and ecclesiastical body of the Roamin’ Homosexual Catholic Church in America (RHCCIA). Their true status is confirmed by every USCCB document on homosexuality. The Lost Faith of the USCCB does not challenge this belief.

+Exegetical Note: In an Appendix to the USCCB document “Ministry to Persons with a Homosexual Inclination: Guidelines for Pastoral Care,” it states that a rumor was circulating in Baltimore at the time of the bishops' November 2006 conference. This story holds that not only was the bishops' faith lost, but that our entire sacred deposit of faith was put up for auction by these bishops and purchased by the United Nations, where it was temporarily buried under backlogged paperwork at the UN Secretariat, then moved to a secret vault under the Rockefeller Center.

+Though USCCB President Bishop William Skylstad called this rumor a lie circulated by traditionalists and sedevacantists, it appears in the "Guidelines" as one of the stories surrounding the disappearance of our sacred deposit of faith. However, even if our sacred deposit of faith had been moved from one tomb to another, that does not mean that it could not be resurrected from the second tomb. Belief in its resurrection is based not on which tomb it was buried in, but on alleged sightings of it that occurred after its burial. These alleged sightings were also dismissed by Skylstad as "improbable and preposterous poppycock."

Miscellanea CATHOLICA

+Author and researcher Randy Engel on the USCCB'S “Ministry to Persons With Homosexual Inclination”: New Oxford Review, March 2007.

+We ask Our Lord to “deliver us from evil,” but would we recognize evil if we saw it?

O Sacred Church Now Wounded

+Reviled Flying Buttress Publisher Tomas de Torquemada is still reeling from the Novus Ordo Ash Wednesday service he attended the other night. Having become so enamored with the Missal of 1962, it is honestly almost painful to have to sit through the Missal of 1970. Imagine, if you will, having to listen to a Beethoven string quartet, with lyrics added and performed by the Dixie Chicks.

+It would be very easy to conclude, based on experience, that the Missal of Paul VI is not just a different rite: it is a different religion. This is partly because the messages - not only homiletic, but liturgical - are so casual, so sociable, so mellow, so laid back, so chatty and entertaining, so non-judgmental, so...easy! "I don't care what you do during Lent," says Father Novus Ordo, kicking back, regaling us with his engaging manner, and fitting right in, "as long as you remember that Easter comes at the end. Lent is not about mortification, repentance, reconciliation, suffering - it's just a retreat!"

+And so the Spotless People of God, displacing the Spotless Victim, are invited join hands around the table to celebrate themselves! When all is said and done, Lent is just 40 days of team-building!

+Frequently the modern Church is much like a semi-paralyzed stroke victim. She knows in her mind, and in her heart, what Truth is, what Tradition is, what the Sacred Mystery of Faith is, what the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass is, what Divine Revelation is, what a well-formed conscience is, what the Magisterium teaches. And yet, she is unable to speak of these things with authority. Why? Because her liturgy - her mouth - is deformed, and she can only mumble.

+What is the environment created by the Missal of 1970? Too often, it is no longer a Catholic environment, but a Protestant one, which only dimly reflects and vaguely recalls the real Catholic Faith, whose holy sacrifice is now wallpapered over by several layers of fellowship. Where is the molten mystery of Faith which bubbles up eternally from Our Lord's Sacred Heart? Crusted over from disuse, perversion and politically correct suppression. Where is the fountain of eternal life, whose promise once watered every corner of the Church, and invited every one of the faithful to drink? It is fallen silent, frozen in mid-air by fear, deception, and glib banality. Where is sin? Enveloped in a fog of "alternatives."

+We at the Flying Buttress wonder if not merely Pilarczyk, but the entire USCCB intends to atone for its sins this Lenten Season - sins committed against the Church and against Our Lord and Lady. The American conference has, on the whole, utterly debased and disgraced the Church. Our clergy and theologians crow like egotistical fools about "reform," "renewal" and "justice," while the Church disintegrates before their eyes as it rushes, with euphoric, messianic zeal, into the anarchic void prepared for it by the vague language of Vatican II. Where is the shame, the repentance, for this self-serving emptiness?

+But thank God for priests like Father Tom Euteneuer of Human Life International. In his latest "Spirit and Life" newsletter, "Conversion Through Prayer, Fasting and Almsgiving," he tells us what Lent is really about:

"Lenten conversion is not a superficial renewal like cleaning an old painting or varnishing an antique chair. These are renovations but are not conversions! What the Lord wants is not just the change of bad habits and worldly vices; He wants a clean soul and no half-measures will do. And for that, we are given a forty-day discipline to train us to cleanse the inside of our souls and make them ready for the Lord.

Lenten house cleaning proceeds according to an age-old spiritual discipline of the Church: prayer, fasting and almsgiving. Not ironically, the reason for a three-fold spiritual discipline is that we have a three-fold soul. The “faculties” of the soul are mind, imagination (i.e., emotions) and will, what St. Augustine called the “internal trinity” sixteen centuries ago. As such, the disciplines of prayer, fasting and almsgiving are directed toward converting and renewing our inner powers: prayer enlightens the mind, fasting matures the emotions, and charity strengthens the will."

This is only an excerpt: the full article may be found here

+On the subject of Lenten prayer, we invite our readers to reflect on the short version of the Prayer to St. Michael. Has anyone noticed that it fails to mention the Church? We grant you that it ostensibly refers to the original version as composed by Pope Leo XIII, but the original is never used. Wouldn't it be preferable if a prayer designed to protect the Church actually mentioned the Church by name?

+With that in mind, we offer a revision of the short version of the Prayer to St. Michael, without whom the Flying Buttress would not exist:

“Glorious St. Michael the Archangel, Noble Prince of the Angelic Hierarchies, defend Thy Church in the day of battle, and be her safeguard against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May Thy purifying sword cleanse her of evil, and utterly and forever dissipate all darkness which obscures the Chair of Truth for the Light of the World. Holy Church venerates Thee as her protector and patron, in Thee she glories as her defense against the malicious power of hell. Arise then, O invincible Prince, bring help to the Mystical Body of Christ against the attacks of the lost spirits, and give her the victory. By the power of Almighty God, may the gates of hell, with the evil one and his infernal followers locked within, be shut for eternity, and may the Church raise the Cross of Our Lord in triumph throughout the earth.”