The Flying Buttress, 4/25/05

The Flying Buttress

+Dissecting dissent in the Cincinnati Archdiocese+

April 25, 2005 A.D. Tales of Social Justice: from Robbin’s ‘Hood

+We take you back to the days of yesteryear, when Fr. Robbin’ Hood, SJ, and his band of gay (that is, merry) Jesuits roamed the countryside, stealing from the middle class and giving to the government.

+Equipped only with boom boxes blaring the new age music of Yanni, they emerged from the woods without warning, setting upon their victims with cries of “may economic and social justice be upon you!" and “hail to the consistent ethic of life!"

+The dis-Loyolas, as they were also known, funneled billions of hard-earned dollars into the hands of government bureaucrats, social service agency workers, and abortion clinic fetus facilitators, who allegedly redistributed their booty to the poor, the needy, and those in desperate need of exercising their reproductive rights. Persistent rumors surfaced, however, that these illicit funds were used mostly for in-house salaries and benefits, professional development, travel expenses, new computers, hand-held PDAs, digital cameras, cell phones, multifunction laser printers, PowerPoint projectors, and office supplies.

+To promote egalitarianism, each dis-Loyola was clad in a seamless garment of cardinal red, and bore the same rank and name: Corporal Works. However, their leader, Father Hood, was bestowed with the distinctive title “Your Sincere, Faithful and Committed-ness." While this power structure lent itself to occasionally confusing and cumbersome conversation, it seemed to satisfy the messianic zeal of the band members. An air of mystery and comradeship was also achieved through the use of a vernacular dialect, Jebbonics, which mimicked the language of faith, but which usually meant something radically different.

+As a sign of the band’s compassion and social conscience, each victim, while being stripped of his dignity and his possessions, would receive an apology read from a business card, as follows:

· You have the right to define yourself as oppressed;

· Anything you say can and will be used against the Church and Judeo-Christian civilization;

· You have the right to talk to a presider and have him (or her) concelebrate with you while you are being liberated;

· If you cannot afford to hire a presider, a band member will be appointed to help you explore your sexuality, if you wish to;

· If you decide to make a statement, it must express the authenticity of your sexual orientation, ethnicity, economic status, religious creed, or previous incarnations, without offending others who display different but equally authentic characteristics.

+Fr. Robbin’ eventually published a book, “The Rhine Flows into the Toilet," to record the compelling teachings of his band for posterity. In Cincinnati, the dis-Loyolas even established their own institution of higher learning, Xavier University, from whence their influence spread far and wide. Their motto was particularly popular: “SJ = Social Justice."

+Curiously enough, the social teachings of the dis-Loyolas seem to have had no effect on personnel policies at the Cincinnati Archdiocese, even though the Archdiocese continually mouthed lofty dis-Loyolan, pro-worker principles. For example:

• Within the last 20 years, several employees have been fired for attempted union organizing;
• The Archdiocese escapes the mandates of the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) by decreeing that each parish be its own employer. Since most parishes employ fewer than 50 people, the threshold for FMLA statutes to take effect, the Archdiocese does not have to provide FMLA benefits to most of its employees;
• Catholic school teachers are only given year-to-year contracts, and principals are formally trained to provide no reason when a contract is not renewed. This prevents the teacher from being able to sue.

An Inquisitor’s Prayer

Lord Jesus, may those who abuse and disgrace their holy offices in the Cincinnati Archdiocese step down. May the spotless name, the sacred power, and the radiant influence of the Church be restored in Cincinnati. Never let me confuse my disdain for those who dishonor the office with the office itself. If there is a better way to expose wickedness and degeneracy, have mercy upon me and open my eyes to it. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Send your merry tales to: tomasthetorque@pngusa.net

M a y t h e L o r d B l e s s Y o u a n d K e e p Y o u

Disclaimer: This publication is a work of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." To unsubscribe, simply reply with the words "No thanks - I prefer to keep my head in the sand until the ‘Spirit of Vatican II’ has completely destroyed the Church" somewhere in the body of the message.

The Flying Buttress, 4/18/05

The Flying Buttress

+Dissecting dissent in the Cincinnati Archdiocese+

April 18, 2005 A.D. Inside the Papal Conclave: An Unexpected Turn of Events

+The Flying Buttress has learned that a coalition of leftist progressives is furiously promoting their own slate of liberal Cardinals, behind the scenes, to succeed John Paul II. Calling itself “Divine Revelation is Inappropriate Patriarchalism" (DRIP), the coalition includes the Jesus Seminar, FutureChurch, Voice of the Faithful, SNAP, and the Left-Wing Brain Trust of the Cincinnati Archdiocese. DRIP’s liberal candidates have become known as “Pope-arazzi," or, “those worthy of further secularizing and dismantling the Church."

+This unexpected and gratuitous intrusion into the secret Papal Conclave – and flagrant violation of the Apostolic Constitution Universi Dominici Gregis - has created quite a stir at the Vatican, which has nonetheless remained tight-lipped about the identity of these liberal Cardinals.

+The Buttress, as you might expect, has obtained an authoritative list, intercepted from the flurry of DRIP e-mails and faxes pouring into the Vatican. As a courtesy to our well-informed readers and continued fidelity to our motto (“We satirize, you decide"), we present this liberal slate and what you might expect from each candidate if elected Pope:

Christoph Sebastian Stillborn

A 68 year old Archbishop of Austria and native of Salzburg, Stillborn speaks several languages and is known for his suave diplomacy. His reputed membership in the same Masonic Lodge that once included the likes of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart has boosted his stature immensely among heavy hitters in the European Community (EC). Stillborn is known to favor the acceptance of abortion, the complete elimination of all liturgy, and the democratic election of Church Hierarchy by laity, which he will then, as Pope, decentralize to give more power to the bishops’ conferences and their rebellious bishops. When asked about a possible conflict of interest between his position as Pope and Masonic occultism and secret anti-Catholic teachings, Stillborn refused to comment, citing Masonic oaths whose violation could result in excruciating torture or death.

Antoine Scoliosis Avon-Odor

This 64 year old patriarch of Belgium is best known for his progressive views on homosexuality, including his approval of sincere, faithful and committed homosexual civil unions. While the rest of his ideological track record has received less attention, it also conforms to the liberal platform, especially on issues such as ending celibacy for priests, the ordination of women, and the legitimization of assisted suicide. Unfortunately, the Cardinal’s severe back problem may hinder his prospects for election. Cardinal Scoliosis Avon-Odor reportedly suffers from a deformed spine, caused by an excess of bending over (backwards, that is, to avoid giving offense). Finally, the Belgian is known to waffle on the use of contraceptives.

Bacchanale Testaverde

Cardinal Testaverde is allegedly the leading Italian candidate. His commitment to Marxist principles of social and economic justice has earned him high marks among liberals, and he reportedly favors the sale of the Holy See to the World Bank in order to donate the proceeds to poor Third World countries and tsunami victims. Testaverde may welcome a change of name as Pontiff, since his name means “green head." This Cardinal is also known as somewhat of a party animal, and he can often be seen frequenting singles bars and discos in the wee small hours of the morning. He is thus admired as the prototypical hip modern clergyman.

Anwar Hummus

This Cardinal of Lebanese descent favors the re-writing of the New Testament. This book, he claims, is merely inaccurately transmitted oral tradition heavily embellished by mythic elements, and must be adapted to accommodate the beliefs of all other religions. He also supports the elimination of Christmas and Easter in favor of pan-religious holidays such as the Wiccan Sabbat of Yule. This makes him an important figure in the movement to establish a geo-religious détente with the growing power of Islam, as well as a key player in interreligious dialogue. Cardinal Hummus has also reportedly been quite active in the movement to remake Fatima into an Interfaith Shrine.

Hercule Perrier

Educated by Jesuits, Parisian Cardinal Perrier has publicly embraced the eastern Doctrine of Reincarnation, and believes himself to be the reincarnation of Pope Benedict IX. Perrier is known to prefer reading from “The Book of Miracles" rather than from the Bible. He makes frequent use of crystals during Mass to contact spirit guides and to align the chakras, and advocates the power of liturgical dance (as well as certain types of incense) to facilitate astral travel and other out of body experiences. Perrier believes that the Conclave has little choice but to discern his primacy, since the White Brotherhood of Ascended Masters has already decreed his election. However, DRIP has reportedly shipped him a quantity of potent hallucinogens for use in the Conclave’s supply of bottled water, just in case.

An Inquisitor’s Prayer

Lord Jesus, may those who abuse and disgrace their holy offices in the Cincinnati Archdiocese step down. May the spotless name, the sacred power, and the radiant influence of the Church be restored in Cincinnati. Never let me confuse my disdain for those who dishonor the office with the office itself. If there is a better way to expose wickedness and degeneracy, have mercy upon me and open my eyes to it. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Send your Conclave scuttlebutt to: tomasthetorque@pngusa.net

M a y t h e L o r d B l e s s Y o u a n d K e e p Y o u

Disclaimer: This publication is a work of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." To unsubscribe, simply reply with the words "No thanks - I prefer to keep my head in the sand until the ‘Spirit of Vatican II’ has completely destroyed the Church" somewhere in the body of the message.

The Flying Buttress, 3/17/05

The Flying Buttress

+Dissecting dissent in the Cincinnati Archdiocese+

March 17, 2005 A.D. Marxist Tsunami Relief (or, bankruptcy loves company)

+Our readers may have noticed a column featured in the February 4^th issue of The (Occasionally) Catholic Telegraph, in which Jesuit Father Kenneth Overberg - theology professor at Xavier University, professional ethicist, and chronic dissenter – weighed in on the adequacy of American tsunami relief.

+Opening his Marxist coloring book to the first (and only) page, he delivered the usual cant about the need for justice and reconstruction based on our social teachings (read: Chairman Mao’s social teachings). He urged us to lobby our leaders to address issues that “undermine the universal common good: debt and the unjust distribution of resources, war and other forms of violence, US patterns of consumption, destruction of the environment by corporate decisions. The list goes on and on.”

+One of our readers, Zoltan the Mad Magyar, decided to take Overberg’s advice to heart. He wrote to Ohio Senators DeWine and Voinovich and Representative Rob Portman, exhorting them to join Overberg’s crusade by immediately addressing the following issues:

1. Debt and the unjust distribution of resources
2. War and other forms of violence
3. US patterns of consumption
4. Destruction of the environment by corporate decisions
5. The list goes on and on.

+Here are some excerpts from Zoltan’s letter, which he graciously shared with The Buttress:

“Debt. Introduce legislation canceling all international and domestic debt, including credit card debt incurred by US consumers. It is of no consequence that those who lent the money will be cheated out of what is owed to them; economic justice demands no less.

Resources. Introduce legislation converting the US from a capitalist republic to a communist welfare state banana republic, including an income cap of $500,000 applicable to America’s wealthiest families, esp. those whose foundations subsidize the Marxist agenda. All income over the cap is to be distributed to the poor and needy, esp. those who are tragically deprived of cell phones, cable or satellite TV, DVD players/VCRs, and the latest model Cadillac. Since private property is also to be outlawed, all redistribution of wealth and material goods will be on a loan and rental basis only. Please also confiscate Fr. Overberg’s computer, since it exceeds his allotment of personal rented goods.

War. Introduce legislation outlawing war and other forms of violence. War is never justified, esp. when one’s own peace and security are threatened, or if one’s country is attacked by an enemy. War is to be replaced by awareness raising techniques, such as conflict management, diversity training, dialogue, and surrender.

Violence. War legislation must include a rider forbidding the killing of animals by other animals, a particularly unjust and gruesome form of violence. This would include the killing of Muslim terrorists by other Muslim terrorists.

Consumption. Regulate the patterns of consumption by all US citizens according to guidelines issued by Fr. Overberg and his Marxist fellow travelers. Take steps to establish such police state measures as are necessary to enforce the level of consumption considered acceptable by academia, including the elimination of any academic freedom which produces such harebrained schemes. Should there be questions about the contradiction inherent between Marxist demands for unlimited sexual self-indulgence and Marxist demands for noble self-restraint, please consult Fr. Overberg for his resolution to this problem.

Environment. Outlaw the destruction of the environment by corporate decisions. Please consult with Fr. Overberg as to (a) what constitutes a corporate decision, (b) which specific decisions are to be outlawed, and (c) how to deal with the subsequent loss of jobs and the devastation of our economy due to the crippling of corporations. Please also consult with Fr. Overberg on the dispersal of foreign aid, which would no longer be forthcoming due to the sacking of the American economy.

I’m sure the tsunami victims will be eternally grateful for the immediate implementation of Fr. Overberg’s socialist agenda, wherein the morally bankrupt provide for the needy by creating economic bankruptcy. You can be certain that my vote depends on it. ”

A Flying Buttress PSA

+Fr. Frank Pavone of Priests for Life asks that the following information be forwarded from his 3/14 newsletter:

“As we know, progress on all these [pro-life] battles would be faster if we heard more from the pulpits. A key to having active pro-life priests is intense training of seminarians. From August 16-21 this summer, Priests for Life will have our annual Pro-life Conference for Seminarians in Newark, NJ (not far from our Staten Island headquarters.) If you are a seminarian, or know one, please spread the word. Information on the conference can be

found at www.SeminarianLifeLink.org/frontlines/conference2005.htm”

An Inquisitor’s Prayer

Lord Jesus, may those who abuse and disgrace their holy offices in the Cincinnati Archdiocese step down. May the spotless name, the sacred power, and the radiant influence of the Church be restored in Cincinnati. Never let me confuse my disdain for those who dishonor the office with the office itself. If there is a better way to expose wickedness and degeneracy, have mercy upon me and open my eyes to it. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Send your legislative agenda to: tomasthetorque@pngusa.net

M a y t h e L o r d B l e s s Y o u a n d K e e p Y o u

Disclaimer: This publication is a work of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." To unsubscribe, simply reply with the words "No thanks - I prefer to keep my head in the sand until the ‘Spirit of Vatican II’ has completely destroyed the Church" somewhere in the body of the message.

The Flying Buttress, 3/10/05

The Flying Buttress

+Dissecting dissent in the Cincinnati Archdiocese+

March 10, 2005 A.D. Student Life at McAuley High School

+Cincinnati’s airwaves are still buzzing with the news of McAuley High School’s lesbian support group. Had talk show host Bill Cunningham been paying closer attention to The Buttress (2/3/05), he could have spared himself mucho indignation over this latest example of behind-the-scenes cultivation of homosexuality by the Left Wing Brain Trust of the Cincinnati Archdiocese. At the very least, this lesbian group adds a new dimension to the name of the order which sponsors the school, the Religious “Sisters” of Mercy.

+The Buttress - which, despite its limited payroll, employs secret agents and other nefarious types from all walks of life to do its dirty work - has obtained a copy of a poster taped to a classroom wall (over the crucifix) during support group meetings. We thought you might like to see it:

The Lesbian Manifesto

Sisters must never surrender or grow weary in the battle against homophobia, heterosexism, or the institutionalized binary gender system.

Conservative Christians, whether Catholic or Protestant, are the enemy. They stand between all sisters and the fulfillment of our sexual potential. Liberal Christians must be employed as allies to outflank, dilute and undermine conservative power.

We must be especially vigilant against all manifestations of orthodox Roman Catholicism, Western Civilization-ism, traditional family-ism, common decency-ism, and, most of all, sanity-ism.

All institutions which perpetrate patriarchal hegemony must be destroyed, preferably from within, by compassionate-sounding initiatives like “support groups.” If from without, destruction must be based on “human rights.”

Every sister has the exclusive right to define her identity, as long as it is an angry response to oppression by an approved “-ism.”

Every transgendered sister has the exclusive right to make decisions regarding her own body, even though she might not know which kind of body she has.

Our gender is not required to be identical to our physiological sex. In cases of multiple genders and/or physiological sexes inhabiting the same body, we reserve the right to alter productions of “The Vagina Monologues” to “The Vagina Dialogues.”

There can be no emancipation of sisters without the emancipation of children. Girls must be recruited at an early age to intercept and erase heterosexist definitions of their sexuality, and to prevent their imprisonment in families by parents exercising oppressive power relationships.

Two excellent sources of recruitment are (1) the Brownies and Girl Scouts, and (2) Catholic girls’ schools.

Sisters shall use, at all times, inclusive, non-gender specific language that does not assume heterosexuality in others. For example, “How are you today, traditional-female-appearing person?”

Sisters shall refuse to tolerate anti-lesbian, -gay, or -bisexual comments, attitudes, remarks or jokes. We shall show our solidarity with teachers and counselors who gleefully deconstruct both traditional sexist roles and the oppressive bourgeois philosophies of dead white males.

Sisters shall have the right to marry or partner with other sisters, and have all the social blessings of heterosexual marriage conferred upon them, esp. “open marriages.”

Sisters shall disguise their contempt for males by respectfully referring to them as “sperm-producing oppressors.”

NOTE: McAuley High School’s Lesbian Support Group is accredited by the North Central Association of Gays and Lesbians, the Ohio Catholic School Accrediting Association for Disorder With Dignity, and the State of Ohio.

An Inquisitor’s Prayer

Lord Jesus, may those who abuse and disgrace their holy offices in the Cincinnati Archdiocese step down. May the spotless name, the sacred power, and the radiant influence of the Church be restored in Cincinnati. Never let me confuse my disdain for those who dishonor the office with the office itself. If there is a better way to expose wickedness and degeneracy, have mercy upon me and open my eyes to it. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

For minutes of support group meetings: tomasthetorque@pngusa.net

M a y t h e L o r d B l e s s Y o u a n d K e e p Y o u

Disclaimer: This publication is a work of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." To unsubscribe, simply reply with the words "No thanks - I prefer to keep my head in the sand until the ‘Spirit of Vatican II’ has completely destroyed the Church" somewhere in the body of the message.

The Flying Buttress, 3/3/05

The Flying Buttress

+Dissecting dissent in the Cincinnati Archdiocese+

March 3, 2005 A.D. Mane nobiscum Domine

+To no one’s surprise, the Left Wing Brain Trust of the Cincinnati Archdiocese has once again adapted (that is, subordinated) the Church to the narcissism and anarchy of the modern era: the Culture of Self and its Appetites. The Flying Buttress has received word that Cincinnati’s version of The Holy Father’s Year of the Eucharist shall be called:

“The Year of the YOU-charist”

aka: “(Bleep) My Sheep”

Herewith, our Archdiocesan Guidelines for Implementation, circulating without fanfare to avoid the appearance of triumphalism:

›

+The YOU-charist is a meal, cafeteria-style.

+Its purpose is to affirm our worldly prestige as The People of God. We are the center of Christian life. The Church and its teachings revolve around us and exist for our convenience.

+The YOU-charist is open to all, without condition or preparation or prerequisite, as a sublime enactment of ecumenical unity.

+Receiving the YOU-charist means entering into a profound communion with your fellow man. “Mi casa es su casa.” (Jn 15:4) The Mass is community, fellowship, and good vibes, esp. during the passing of the peace ’n justice (please use antibacterial lotion, provided in pew rack dispenser, after shaking hands).

+The Liturgy of Hourly Liturgical Dance is recommended as training for the worship experience, as is the filling of every moment during Mass with toe-tapping-shake-your-booty-funky-town contemporary musical celebration.

+The use of inclusive language is necessary to open the egalitarian treasures of the radical social gospel of Jesus to the faithful.

+Pastors should be committed to the gynecological catechesis so necessary for the faithful to understand the feminist meaning of the liturgy’s words and actions.

+The Bible is a collection of myths and symbols, outdated archetypes which once reflected our individual psyches and collective unconscious.

+The goal of human history is to establish Heaven here on earth.

+Even though he was out of touch with his sexuality, Jesus is to be emulated as a pretty good guy, since he preached radical social reform.

+Mary was trapped in a patriarchal culture and thus never fulfilled her feminine birthright. Her place in the pantheon of the Church must be liberated for the sake of her reproductive health.

+We must accept those who are different from us.

+Americans have not done enough for tsunami victims.

+It takes a village to raise a child.

+Elect Hillary Clinton in 2008.

Getting to the Bottom Line

+The Flying Buttress has observed dissenters chipping away at Holy Mother Church for decades, without ever admitting what it is they’re really after. Why all these incremental smokescreens like inclusive language, supersessionist gospels, married and homosexual priests, gay marriages, universal love replacing dogma and liturgy, laity replacing priests, Christian unity, interreligious dialogue, a democratic Church?

+The reason, if you haven’t figured it out by now, is that these devious ideologues and propagandists know that their real agenda would evoke horror and revulsion in its naked form. Therefore, they must achieve their goal gradually, concocting a progression of ideas that appear enlightened and compassionate, to attract those who cannot distinguish prestige from the humility of faith. The Greeks have a saying for this incremental method: “Bean by bean, the sack is filled.” Unfortunately, in this case, the saying works like this: “Bean by bean, the sack of faith is emptied.”

+We have decided to publish the real goal of dissent in its naked form, the poison pill at the heart of all this ersatz “compassion”:

The Dissenter’s Rosary

Hail Karl Marx! Behind your face, Lucifer is with Thee.

Blessed art Thou amongst revolutionaries,

And blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, liberation theology.

Holy Karl, Mother of Tutu, rationalize all sin,

Now and at the destruction of the Church.

Glory be to Sophia, and to Isis, and to Holy Mother Earth.

As collectivism was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be.

Social justice without end, so mote it be!

Oh my Tutu, forgive us for not being liberated.

Save us from the fires of outmoded guilt.

Deliver all bodies into material bliss,

Especially those most desirous of sexual fulfillment.

“Tutu”: Archbishop Daniel Pilarczyk, who approves ballerinas performing liturgical dance during Mass.

An Inquisitor’s Prayer

Lord Jesus, may those who abuse and disgrace their holy offices in the Cincinnati Archdiocese step down. May the spotless name, the sacred power, and the radiant influence of the Church be restored in Cincinnati. Never let me confuse my disdain for those who dishonor the office with the office itself. If there is a better way to expose wickedness and degeneracy, have mercy upon me and open my eyes to it. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Send your Marxist devotions to: tomasthetorque@pngusa.net

M a y t h e L o r d B l e s s Y o u a n d K e e p Y o u

Disclaimer: This publication is a work of satirical fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, but it all depends on what you mean by the word "is." To unsubscribe, simply reply with the words "No thanks - I prefer to keep my head in the sand until the ‘Spirit of Vatican II’ has completely destroyed the Church" somewhere in the body of the message.